I wonder if macro grammar is becoming the language of lurve

Know the difference between a LOLcat macro and an attempted internet hook-up? If you strip away the brainless text, the macro will at least occasionally leave you with something amusing to look at.

Giving a hat-tip to Eros Blog, a guy hammering away at the keyboard under the nom de'guerre of "The Snarling Misanthrope" decided to tackle the compost heap of Craigslist personal ads in a trilogy of open letters: One, Two, and Three. If naught else, it did provide me fodder to lead off this post.

Unfortunately, the steaming manure sent hither and yon through "teh interwebs" is not confined solely to Craig's legendary experiment in converting everything from employment to knick-knacks, housing to dating into an immense virtual garage sale with all the associated glamour and value.

It's ubiquitous. Every social networking/dating site is rife with the same churlish behaviors. The web has been around long enough that damn near anyone who has spent any time seeing what is out there has poked around at least a couple sites ostensibly geared toward putting people in contact, hopefully skin-to-skin, to witness the depressing truth of my assertion.

"Women" routinely adopt the position that it's a seller's market in their favor. Regardless of how close that actually comes to reality, they appear to believe their personal chances for success are increased by being selfish. In general, personal details are sparse and sketchy at best while demanding potential suitors to jump through a myriad of hoops. "Men" tend toward listing attributes and "enticement." Why? Because "men" are more prone to accepting the terms as offered and acting from the side of meeting enough criteria to achieve a given goal. (One should also never discount the influence of pedigreed stupidity either.)

As a result, a system has been cultivated to lobotomize the seduction/dating process. Since "women" are tight-lipped about what sort of person they are, responders are behooved to act on minimal data in the hopes that they will get enough back to refine whether this person is someone they desire to pursue. This means it's in the best interests of the "men" to respond to as many ads as possible in a given span of time, especially when one factors in the percentage of ads that either fail to generate a reply or are attached to some variety of bot. Consequently, they no longer have the luxury of drafting personal, informational emails. They don't have the time. They must get their message out. They must make that contact NOW. Lines are ruthlessly culled, "frilly" verbiage excised, until the bones lay gleaming and exposed; "Me man. Want fuck? Me big." Perhaps even that is too ponderous and so they jump to short hand. A/S/L? Or maybe they start to feel clever remembering the old saw that a picture is worth a thousand words.

They know what they are interested in with laser-like intensity so they apply the never-fail assumption that since they're so keen on girl bits, that obviously their opposite number is on the edge of their seat to catch a peek of their bits. A couple seconds looking up some porn for fluffing purposes and a cell phone picture or two from a hopefully flattering angle and they're golden. Suddenly those portraits of their one-and-only are speeding away to in-boxes near and far in the sublime assurance that they will be inundated with volunteers to wet it down.

This is what women want right? These are the cues they are giving after all, despite their protestations to the contrary. But no, they get annoyed and frustrated by the preponderance of crude one-liners, form letters, and unsolicited gallery of sausage. In turn they get more snarky, demand more hoops, and become more nebulous about who they are.

Never mind the fact that expecting reality to match the profile given online is like playing roulette, except the wheel is the size of Montana, the cups and ball are the same size, and you can only bet on a single number; hence the quotation marks around the genders above.

The fun doesn't stop there however. You see this type of behavior has apparently become so ingrained it is a feature of chat rooms and spontaneous IM contact. In fact, it's so common that ignore buttons have become standard equipment in the interfaces. Even more appalling, at times people will actually converse verbally, face-to-face in this manner.

Trust me. When you can't tell if that guy in your store is trying to establish a connection or has just sexually harassed another customer, things have gone seriously FUBAR in the world.

If you really want to scare yourself, consider whether the above mode of communication rewards the educated and well spoken or the other end of the spectrum.