Look for the tells

People that play poker will clue in that the title refers to the subtle habits and twitches other players have that reveal whether they have good or poor hands. Folks who play sports might interpret the title to refer to the unconscious physical hints that presage their opponent making a move. Others who have been in a conflict might associate the above as the slight shift of carriage of someone who has committed themselves to some act of aggression.

Humanity expends a huge degree of effort into following what their fellow has to say, even when those words diverge greatly from the actions of the speaker they will still engage in convoluted explanations to reconcile things so the words remain correct. It's a bad habit and leads to a lot of pain.

Not to long ago, a friend of mine was relating her frustration and hurt that her boyfriend was still going out of his way for his ex. He swore up and down that things between him and his former significant other were completely over except for a minor friendship. My friend took him at his word and was thus increasingly distressed as she witnessed more and more favors done on the ex's behalf. In the end, it brought about a bitter, acrimonious sundering of their relationship.

From the outside or retrospect in her case the reasons are embarrassingly obvious. He was still hung up on his ex. Whatever bull-shit he chose to ladle out to those around him or even himself about how he had removed himself from wanting to continue to be involved with his ex could not hide the reality of how he behaved around his ex. If my friend had stopped to judge him by his actions instead of repeatedly seeking some explanation that excused everything, it probably wouldn't have ended so destructively. She definitely wouldn't have felt so betrayed.

So even in the world of dating and relationships, look for the tells.