Willy Wonka's factory this ain't

*Ring ring*

Thank you for calling Lanius' Library of Licentious Libertines.

"Is this L.L.oL.L.?"

Dammit! I actually took the time to sound cheerful instead of just cordial. It's true, no good deed goes unpunished. The voice sounds young and male, I settle into the groove in case he's warming up to ask if we have Prince Albert in a can. Yes, what can I do for you today? If you start cheerful, might as well finish it in the same pretense.

"Do you have any of those five-cent candies?"

My brain discretely core-dumps. Bravo, that one I was most definitely not expecting. Fortunately, I'm usually quick to regain my mental footing. Well, Valentine's Day is only a few days away; candy does tend to be popular. So alright, perhaps this guy is looking for pick up some penis-shaped chocolates or gummi-pussy-pops, except I don't know of any place in this neck of the woods where adult confections are that inexpensive. Not much can be bought for a nickel in this day and age. It might be understandable if a senile, yet horny geezer dialed the number here, but this guy sounds young. In fact as I review the voice in my inner ear, it sounds like "Cubby" has yet to discover hair in exotic new places on his own body. The slight emphasis on "those" suddenly makes sense. He's a kid, he's clueless, and he has no idea why he's called now that a real person has picked up the phone. I suspect he had some allegedly suave speech primed in anticipation of a woman answering and he suddenly had to improvise. Nope, we don't have any of those here. Is there anything else?

*click*

Guess not.