Wanna buy a watch(ed porn)?

*Ring ring*

Thank you for calling Lanius' Lair of Lechery, Latte, and Latigo Leather. (No, we don't actually have any coffee drinks and the leather products we have, while largely strap related, are not really suitable for cinching down a saddle. I just felt the need for some alliteration.)

"Hi, do you buy used movies?"

We get this question all the time. From the frequency of these calls, I would suspect half the city lives with a vault of stale blue movies occupying space they'd rather use for storing wine, a new car, kidnapped girl scouts, or even shockingly enough new porn. I would also surmise from the popularity of the query that it's not precisely a seller's market. Continuing that trend, we are not numbered amongst the buyers. No, unfortunately we do not.

"Do you know who does?"

Sure, let me boot up the ol' Porn-o-dex and I'll tell you who buys as well as how much they'll give you for your "gently loved" spank material. I don't make it a habit to monitor what other stores might be purchasing used movies. If the information manages to stray my way, I'll note it, but I'm not going to dig around for that information. Good customer service only goes so far. No, I have no idea who, if anyone, buys used movies. Sorry.

*Click*

With the rate in which new adult movies hit the shelves, I cannot comprehend how purchasing used ones can prove even remotely viable. Even the increased appreciation of the customer in gaining some store credit to make a future purchase only goes so far against the loss of revenue in putting the recycled videos on display instead of a shiny new title and the very real possibility that the used movie might not sell. In addition, one has to bear in mind that a high percentage of those porn movies they hope to sell back are going to be in obsolete formats. They are a marketing dead-end and possess next to no value for a retailer. Not only that, but to take in used materials, someone is going to have to give an assessment of quality as suitable to buy back. Then, once it hits the floor, there is an implied liability if someone buys it and it doesn't play correctly. In short the profit margin is horribly narrow and the potential costs high enough to make it a less than optimal avenue of business.

At least those callers are more on the ball than the next caller.

*Ring ring*

Thank you for calling Lanius' Laboratory for Lascivious Lovers of Linoleum.

"Hello. Do you guys buy old NES or SNES games?"

Rectal rutabagas of Ragnarok! Where to begin with this guy. Pardon?

"Do you guys buy old games like for the NES or SNES?"

You really didn't pay attention to the phone book listing did you, Cubby. First of all, we don't buy used items. Second, we're not that type of store.

"Hunh?"

You've called an adult store.

"Oh."

*Click*