Monday, January 21, 2008

Shopping for the lowest common denominator

"Excuse me, but do you have movies?"
Stupid Question #1 right out of the fucking gate. It's bold. It's unapologetic. However, as it's neither a new runway fashion line nor brand of alcoholic libation, it portends a conversation that almost demands a handful of pain pills with a razor blade chaser. Why yes, yes we do. If you would care to look behind you, you would see we have quite a selection.
"Do you have any with Naomi?"
Probably. Unfortunately, we do not list the movies in our inventory by actress. We supposedly have the capability in our software. Alas, when the movies were first entered into the system, that was not a data field that got filled in and going back at this point to correct that oversight would not only be beyond tedious, but require over a month to complete without shutting down the store to devote to data entry. That however is neither here nor there; we don't have that information currently. Short of wandering the floor with him in tow while I sort through every movie she could be in, he's going to have to look. Suffice to say, I am not going to do all his legwork. You'll have to look around a bit, there's no one section that will have all of her movies.
"So I'd have to know the titles?"
That would follow, yes. Did you deduce that all on your own? Congratulations! You can now commence coasting through the rest of your day after achieving such a lofty cognitive height. I can search by title for you or by section.
"Do you have any squirting videos?"
Bloody Hell on a hamburger. It's a legitimate fetish with a number of titles falling under that umbrella. Pending reorganization, it's not a discrete section at the moment though. The ill-favored bastard would focus on one of those. We do, we just don't have a section for them at the present. Pricked by a vestige of sympathy, I provide him with a couple titles off the top of my head along with where to find them as well as a brief list of actresses he might want to keep an eye out for as he browses the rest of the collection.

He rewards my efforts on his behalf by walking immediately back to the sale section and spending the next twenty minutes poking through the sealed compilations. Finally, he meanders back to my counter.

"Do you have any toys?"
Do you always feel the need to ask the dumbest question available before refining the focus of your questions? Yes. I indicate the section.
"Do you have any penis pumps?"
Indeed we do. I direct him to the exact area of the toys where these products can be had. Perhaps I've simply been overly harsh in my estimation of him.
"Which ones are the penis pumps?"
Or perhaps his keen intellect is rivaled only by a moldering turnip. I don't know. I keep forgetting how confusing it must be to identify those. If only the packaging might be printed to say "penis pump" or something. If only there might be pictures or drawings of an erection fitted into the vacuum cylinder portion of the device. Oh wait, that is a common packaging convention. All of them. Granted there are other pump type products out there, but there are no cupping sets or specifically marketed labial pumps in that area.

Miraculously, he actually bought a pump. There was a moment or two when he started to ask me how the blasted thing is operated, but I think he decided to have someone else read the instruction manual to him.

"Is there a warranty?"
I had to bite my tongue almost before my brain finished interpreting his words to keep from laughing in his face. Not likely, but you can always check with the manufacturer.

1 Comments:

Blogger Chris said...

Oh the maddening stupidity. It hurts us.

8:26 PM  

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