Makes you just want to bubble over with trust

The local radio stations have been running a product spot that I find extremely ominous. While that in itself is often to be expected where advertising is concerned, the idea that they are now marketing an at-home paternity test kit fills me with trepidation.

One might wonder why I would feel the slightest unease about this. After all, the only reason someone would ever purchase the kit would be to provide a nervous father with peace of mind, knowing beyond a shadow of doubt that the child is truly the issue of his loins or that is what they would like us to believe.

I, however, was not born yesterday nor am I so gormless to accept such an innocuous rationale for the existence of a privately administered paternity test kit. The plausibility of their claim is stretched to translucence.

The problem is that most men who want a particular child to be theirs are usually willing to take it on faith. In general, they are prepared to assume the mantle of fatherhood shortly after discovering a woman of their intimate acquaintance is with child. If paternity is assumed, there's no incentive for either side to drop the cash to verify what is now in essence an academic detail. Consequently, the niche the company professes to cater to is vanishingly narrow. So narrow in fact that unless the company scored the sweetheart deal of the century with the stations, I cannot see how they'd recoup enough sales to even begin to cover the cost of their air time.

As such, I find it exceedingly more likely that they are hinting broadly at the true impact of paternity; the legal. They can dress it up in pastel shades of worry-free parental nurturing all they desire, but the purpose of establishing paternity is to affix fiscal responsibility to a particular man. In practice, this man would oft be characterized as "reluctant" at the very least in assuming the identity of being a parent. Given the society-wide scorn for dead-beat dads and tendency towards sympathy for single mothers, the nearly universal reflex is to feel a vengeful satisfaction for one more tool to keep some low-life from ditching his spawn the moment their continued existence in his life loses its novelty. But what about the man who has a one-night-stand, experiences a prophylactic failure despite proper usage, and she decides when she discovers she's pregnant to carry it to term?

Unfortunately, this kit is entirely too convenient for the unscrupulous to exploit. The materials to gather DNA samples for comparison are not bulky and despite the commercial only mentioning a bucal swab, the same set-up would also allow the collection of bodily fluids and quite possibly other tissue scrapes. The process is identical once they have the cells isolated; therefor the person collecting for the test enjoys a great deal of flexibility. Sending the samples off to a private lab for analysis means that not only are the odds for a correctly administered test greatly improved, but it might also lend evidentiary weight to the results in a court of law.

Thus far, semen carries some commonality to bullets in the courts. The owner bears complete responsibility for them once they leave the barrel and it is implicit that the owner is sure of everything it could possibly come into contact with. A woman can decide whether to have a child or not, the poor dumb bastard who knocked her up is along for the ride whither it goes. She could manipulate a guy into providing her the seed to impregnate herself by trickery with malice of forethought and she holds the option at any time before that child reaches majority to walk into a court and compel support payments. As far as I have discerned, ejaculation of viable sperm is consent to become a parent regardless of where it is deposited.

Courts have the power to compel paternity tests, but that requires the matter to have become a legal case. Fulfilling such orders can take substantial time and maneuvering through appeals and other legal obstacles. Now, it looks like some woman can enter the courtroom with conclusive evidence in hand that the other party never knew ever existed.

Who knows how admissible the results of a paternity-by-mail test are, but it's a chilling thought nonetheless for any fertile male who ever has sex with a fertile female.