Doing it all yourself

More than a few times I have heard a woman dismiss the attraction of sexual interest of her partner with the explanation that "she should be enough for him." Though I hear it most from women involved in heterosexual relationships, I have also heard similar statements from men as well as those involved in homosexual relationships. It persistently bothers me.

I don't know why the idea that one person must be everything to their partner has embedded itself so deeply in the expectations of society like some romantic chigger, but I have yet to see it ever yield positive results. In fact, I strongly suspect it causes even more extensive damage than anyone cares to think about. Take a moment and consider the matter. When someone says that they should be "enough" for their partner, some pernicious variables come into play.

First off, that person has just claimed responsibility for meeting every one of their significant other's interests and desires, stated or not, without exception. That's a lot of pressure to place on oneself. If anyone else ever attempted to deposit such a murderous level of responsibility on your shoulders, you'd tell them to fuck off in less polite terms, but since if it's self-imposed it seems to bypass the mental processes that would recognize the insanity of accepting those terms.

Unfortunately, this person has which means that every indication of their partner's sexuality that is not expressed with them is now a personal affront. Not only have they failed in their charge to be the perfect lover, but obviously their significant other feels they are deficient as well. How could it be anything else? Otherwise they would have come to them to do it together. So now one side feels hurt and resentful because they couldn't live up to their unrealistic personal expectations. Over time, this can erode attachment and feed into the impression that the other person is really not invested in the relationship/doesn't find them sexy anymore/is just going through the motions which will usually provoke an actual dissolution of the relationship. For example, "Buddy" learns that "Violet" diddled herself while taking a bath. It couldn't be that maybe she had a moment where things felt really good and wanted a nice uncomplicated orgasm in that bit of time. Instead it had to have been because Buddy wasn't good enough. She was trying to "slip one by" on him. Subsequently, Violet now has to put up with a sulky Buddy.

The idea that anyone can be everything for their lover is an exercise in futility. Those that believe they are and that it works are actually operating under an intricate web of self-deception and rationalization. To put it in blunt terms, their sexual life depends upon the belief that what they don't see does not exist. These are the people whose entire lives come crashing down as soon as they discover some long-forgotten erotic picture in some box in the attic, or a folder of porn on the computer, or find their significant other in a lip-lock with a same-sex friend. Human sexuality is so complex and drawn from so many diverse sources that it's fundamentally impossible for any two people to be a complete match down the line. And yet, people have it in their minds that they should be able to make themselves that exact match.

In addition, there is also the enormous pressure that is leveled against the lover. They will now be called to account for any and all fetishes, expected to explain their orgasms. Let's say Leon is married to Amber. Let us also say that Leon finds women of Asian descent to be very beautiful and as such enjoys looking at Asian women. Suppose that Amber is not of such a heritage. Is it reasonable to expect Leon to shut off that part of his biology? Must it become a dirty little secret of his marriage? If Amber knows about it, does it mean that their relationship is a sham? Does he have to constantly reassure her that he's not looking to replace her or have her undergo cosmetic surgery to remake her physically into some occidental ideal?

Or perhaps Amber gets really excited about strapping someone down, driving needles through their skin, and urinating all over them. For the sake of argument, Leon is not only disinterested in those activities, but finds them personally distressing. By the assumption that he must be everything for his partner, by rights he should be nutting up and begging to be pinioned, pierced and bepissed. Anything less is not living up to his expectations of what love should be. So he had two choices, to endure it anyway which wouldn't be much fun for either of them and probably resent her for doing it or to decree that it's too kinky or aberrant and therefore not to be pursued. If Leon should later discover her reading or writing erotica featuring such activities, then he can be the injured party and rightfully malign her libido. Gods help her if she should ever act out those fetishes with someone else.

I take issue with the assumption that just because someone happens to be involved with an individual, that they can usurp responsibility for that person's sexuality. There is no other way to interpret the expectation to be "enough" for the other without concurrently laying claim to how and when it will be expressed. The choice is taken from them. In addition, they are also reserving the right to define "enough" for the other person; either explicitly telling them how it's going to be or implicitly by curbing their behavior through emotional coercion.

Most damaging is that the assumption is made about the significance of various actions; usually the attribution of more gravity to acts. Just because he wanks off to pornography does not mean he wants to be fucking other people. Just because they go to strip clubs, it does not mean they aren't getting enough stimulation at home. Simply because they're getting aroused without your contribution, it does not indicate a deficiency in you or your relationship. The fact you're acting like it is does reveal one in you however.

Embrace who you are, accept your limits and those of your significant other. Enjoy those areas where what makes you tingle overlap and respect those areas where you don't mesh so well. Relationships are hard enough without inventing point-source failures.