A bit too long on the phone

*ring ring*

Good morning and thank you for calling Lanius' Lunch-counter of Lingerie Licking.

"Hey dude. Is this Lanius' Lunch-counter of Lingerie Licking?

Buddha in a bloody blender, it is astounding how aggravating I find it that people, reputedly all primed and ready to communicate at their own initiation, cannot keep their attention from wavering before someone actually picks up the damned phone and starts talking. They've immediately put me in a bad mood, but I try to suppress it and go on. As I said.

"Hunh?"

A mid-July molasses flood in Antarctica would be faster than this guy's informational up-take. Yes, this is Lanius' Lunch-counter of Lingerie Licking. What can I do for you today?

"Do you have porn movies?"

I'd certainly hope so with a store name like ours. Many. Chew on that, ye daft bastard!

"What ones?"

Good ones. What sort of inbred, useless question is that?! There are literally thousands of titles in this store alone and millions in past or present circulation. Sonuvabitch, you are a special one, aintcha Sport. We carry movies from a variety of production companies. Your best bet would be to come in and take a look at what we have.

"Do you have any new movies in?"

Quite a few.

"What are the titles?"

"Stupid, Smarmy Anal Polyps About to Have Their Phone Force-fed through Their Spine!" seems to be topping the charts right this fucking second. If this guy thinks for even a second I'm going to waste my fucking time reading off movie titles from the shelves because he's too self-important and bloated to get his slug-like ass off his couch, he's got another think coming. There are quite a few, it would be easier for you to drop in and see for yourself.

"C'mon man, just give me the titles."

Tell you what, provide me with your complete family tree as well as the names and addresses of anyone you've had intimate contact with so I can rectify this mistake with liberal amounts of napalm and I'll consider it. No, you'll need to stop in and take a look. Sometimes the direct approach is needed.

"Alright. Do you have any toys?"

We are an adult store, so yes, we would stock sexual novelties as a matter of fact.

"Do you have any dildos?"

Yes and I've already picked out the one I want to beat you to death with.

"How long are they?"

I had a suspicion this joker was only tying up my phone line for the sake of his idea of cutting edge humor, but sometimes you get those who are dumber than hammered hair calling in with what are to them imponderable riddles of the ages requiring some adult store clerk to unlock the hidden wisdom. Sometimes it's impossible to tell until that special moment when they tip their hand. Rather like tearing off a soiled bandage and finding the wound wriggling with maggots. They come in a variety of sizes, again you'd do best to come into the store and see them for yourself.

"I don't want to drive down there if you don't have one big enough. How long is your biggest?"

Now that you mention it, I don't want you to drive down here either. Hopefully, ever. You'd have to come down to find out. Have a great day. The last delivered with glaring insincerity and hostility.

I hung up.

Moments later. *ring ring* Same name and number on the caller ID.

Lanius' Lunch-counter of Lingerie Licking. Piss on polite greeting.

"Are the guy I was just talking to a little bit ago?"

I believe so yes. Not as if I could have gotten that far from the phone without sprinting before you hit re-dial.

"I really need you to tell me how long your dildos are..."
I cut him off.

I really need you to not call this number again. Have a nice day.

I hung up on him before he could sputter more than a couple words of outrage. This time, he didn't call back.