A slippery question deserves a slick answer

Alright, you have a "night" planned. You've managed to clear yourself an uninterrupted block of time. You and your special someone(s) are waiting impatiently to discard clothing in a frenzy to gain access to strategic bits of anatomy. All the participants are well-fed and hydrated. In fact, the only thing missing is a trusty bottle of lubricant. So you drive like mad to your local adult store impatient to immerse yourself in some festivities and ask the guy behind the counter what lube you should purchase.

Nodding as if he hears this every day (And trust me, he does.), he tells you that all depends on what you're looking to do.

So let's run down the list for tonight.

1. Are you planning on "Flying Solo"?

• Yes. Excellent, taking some time to reacquaint yourself with the partner you know best; yourself. Onward to Question 2.
• No. Fantastic, party like a rock star. On to Question 3.

2. Looking to use a toy? I'm assuming you're going to want to keep it.

• Yes. No problem. Your safest bet would be to select a water-based brand that looks to be a pleasing viscosity. If you happen to know your toy does not contain silicone, you can add silicone-based lubricants to your list as well. Oil is right out. Godspeed and enjoy.
• No. Sky's the limit then, barring allergies. Pick out whatever catches your fancy. Oil or silicone-based will provide the longest lasting performance if you're looking to go "Iron Man" on yourself. Go forth and do yourself proud.
  

3. Is the "featured" orifice to be invaded self-lubricating (vagina, mouth) or non-lubricating (anus, breasts, knee, etc.)? Assuming no one involved is allergic or sensitive to any particular type of lubricant.

• Self-lubricating. Generally speaking, you're only looking for just that little bit extra to keep things working happily. A thinner, lighter or liquid type lubricant is usually what is called for. Gels can work, but might leave things a little slicker than ideal with the addition of the naturally occurring fluids. Next Question.
  
• Non-lubricating. Typically this would call for a thick, creme-like water-based brand or something that doesn't evaporate such as a good silicone-based or oil-based variety. Gels can work, but it tends to require a substantial amount and some reapplication to keep from experiencing the newest impersonation of using a sandpaper condom. Next Question.
• A bit of everything really. This is where gels come into their own. The "jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none" tends to offer the most flexibility. Be aware of how much you're using and you should be fine. Silicone and oil-based formulas are commonly quite good as well with the added advantage of being less "goopy." Next Question.

4. Does it need to be toy or condom compatible?

• Yes. Can't go wrong with water-based, it's the most innocuous. Silicone is great as long as none of the toys contain silicone. If in doubt, break the water-based out. Avoid oil at all costs. Next Question.
• No. Any lubricant that fits the above criteria should be just fine. Next Question.

5. Does it need to be water-proof or water-resistant?

• Yes. Obviously, anything water-based is going to be water-soluble. There are a couple odd-ball brands out there that are usually clumped under the water-based family that are fairly resistant, but for the most part you're going to want to focus on silicone or oil-based. What are you still doing here? Get on it.
• No. Once again, any lubricant that fits criteria listed above should be just fine. Now don't you have something (to someone) you'd rather be doing?

Thank you. Please come again.
Try not to burn up on re-entry.