Hey man, your god is a total dick!

When one works at what amounts to a clearing house for items of a sexual nature, it's only a matter of time before strange and unlooked for things stray into the light like sea creatures lurking at the sea floor of some abyssal trench happening into the camera eye of a remote controlled submersible. Between the infinitely expanding sum of information that comprises the internet and friends who will specifically direct my attention to items based on my profession, it's all but impossible to avoid.

Some things are prone to inspiring my eyes to roll wildly as I am underwhelmed by the lack of innovation or style. Sometimes, I'll see things that snare my interest.

And then I will find something like this edging into my awareness.

What the frothy yellow fuck?!

The Church of the Phallus.

"The Church of the Phallus is a spiritual, hedonistic, penis-worshiping church open to all worshipers of cock regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, creed, or disability."

It could be a sincere, if off-beat, little sect of goof-balls. Their home page would seem to suggest such a benign intent. Indeed the inclusion of phallic symbols or veneration thereof exists in a few faiths around the globe.

That is until you take a peek at the "sacraments" they have listed. Welcome to the cult, please try the Kool-Aid.

Sounds to me like the good "bishop" got tired of being turned away at glory holes and lost his supplier of roofies. Great scam. Throw out enough platitudes and homilies and he never has to worry about getting laid again, it's a SACRED DUTY for his cock to get serviced. Seems he ripped a page right out of a Monty Python movie, because isn't it awfully nice to have a penis indeed. It is the penultimate font of all, the axis upon which the universe spins as it were.

And you too can bust a nut at every religious gathering. All you have to do is be willing to strip down and let "up to twenty" guys jack off onto you. Yeah, I can see the straight guys just chomping at the bit to be inducted into the fold. It isn't like the average heterosexual man is predominately phobic about encountering the seminal fluids of guys other than himself. Shiva on a sibian, it's damned near an institutional gender nightmare for a guy to be surrounded by an encroaching ring of erect penii. Hell, for that matter, I don't know many gay or bisexual men who would find that a comfortable experience. I'd suspect the latter group would have a stronger showing than any other however. I hesitate to think that many women would be true believers.

Sure, there are women out there who deeply into cock worship and/or group sex, but there's one little problem. They don't have a penis of their own. As such they are of lesser importance, namely a willing hole to be filled. They are superfluous except as masturbatory aids. They perform no function that cannot be done just as easily if they were not present.

But wait, there's more. For a modest few hundred bucks you can purchase a degree in this august institution. Men, make yourselves over to being meat-puppets devoted to rubbing one out mindlessly at the slightest provocation. Women, make up for the defect of birth that deprives you of the "highest expression of power and spirit" by surrendering your entire being in service of a blood-filled water balloon. And know that at the same time, your generous donation means that your beloved bishop can go another week without having a job to get in the way of finding a warm place to stuff his lord and master.

People will believe anything with the right motivation, but this one just makes my brain hurt.