All I want for xmas is prosecutorial immunity

I know it's reached that point were we've all entered that glassy-eyed final burst of straining aneurisms, holiday shopping, or both. People are looking forward to being quit of the chore of preparing for their enjoyment of the alleged celebration even if it means cocooning five pounds of dollar store cast-offs in a wad of expired newspaper, duct-tape, eggnog-tinged tears, and industrial staples. So much perky yecchs-mas music has been piped into our collective ear canals we teeter on the edge of shrieking like Quasimodo at the first few notes of "Jingle Bells."

I get that. I understand.

Honestly.

I mean we all know how much of cake-walk it is for those employed in the retail sector at this time of year, how wide-open and lazy their shifts are toward the ending of the year, how they just don't know what to do with themselves in the empty hours they find themselves drawing wages, but I suspect we can guess what it is like to be harried and racing to complete lists that must be done.

So yes, I realize you are operating under a deadline.

But so help me, if you try to bury me under some avalanche of snippy, self-involved, passive-aggressive shit pouring from your ungrateful fucking mouth one more time, you will be offering to blow any reindeer that happens by in the hopes that Santa Claus will deliver a shovel to the back of your head to end the holly jolly permanent nightmare your life has become.

The vast majority of those behind the counter serving the public are doing our level best to cheerfully meet your needs and get you back to your day as swiftly as possible, whether they're in a department store, adult store, or even a bloody post office.

I am perfectly justified in expecting people to behave in a polite, civil manner.

I do not have to tolerate your attitude. You're the looking for the gift, not me. If you don't like my rules, good luck shopping someplace else.

I'm dreaming of snow-covered fields forested with the tinsel-strewn bodies of the dying impaled upon cheerful red and white spiraled spikes of peppermint.