Actions speak louder than repeated excuses

It's a frequent subject of consternation for me when I notice people automatically forgiving or rationalizing some repeated aspect of behavior. Even more aggravating is when I discover that particular mechanism at work in my own relationships. I'm far from even remotely perfect on that score, much to my rueful annoyance, so I tend toward a habitual skepticism that I've managed to keep such patterns out of my own current relationships. In the last few years, I believe I've been more successful than not.

At the same time, I've acclimatized myself toward noting this habit and since it's vastly easier to witness in others than it is in oneself, I find myself quietly dissecting the relationships of friends and acquaintances in search of a more complete understanding of myself. I'm silent in these contemplations because it's bloody rude to just spout off from the bleachers how to sort out someone else's issues, unless they happen to invite comment. I'm a bit more prone to expressing my opinion of something I discover posted online, but I feel that if something is presented to all and sundry that they have consequently opened the subject to critique at large as well.

In any case, I've been thinking about such things lately.

The current bout started innocuously enough. Someone I know has been a bit discomfited by the behavior of someone they are seeing. In specific, they have a demonstrated inability to budget and marked need to chemically alter their perceptions. It doesn't bode well that they're either needing to be taken out on the other's dime or attempting to be generous with freebies. My friend knows this is not even remotely a good thing, but is attempting to decide for themself just how sharply this needs to weigh on their interactions. In short, they are now embarking on the calculus of how much enjoying the other's company offsets the negatives. Fortunately this person knows they are attempting to rationalize.

It's crept into the spotlight in a couple blogs I read as well, permeating the narratives like the scent of decomposition in the midst of a flower garden. Quite frustrating because the authors have the wit to understand the trap they've fallen in, but they aren't grasping that they've actually toppled in.

If someone you're involved with does something you don't like, this calls for a choice. It doesn't matter if they stabbed you, drowned your extended family in bile, verbally attacked you, lied, ate the last of your personal candy stash, left a huge mess in the kitchen, shaved your rabbit, or embarked on an attempt to get into the Guinness Book of World Records with the longest span of time doing the Macarena. You have a decision to make.

Tediously remedial information, I know. Most folks can manage to navigate this cause and effect. They seem to become perplexed by repeated occurrences. Sure, stopping and giving the issue a look as if it is the very first time you've been presented with the situation can be helpful, especially if it actually is the first time. However, you have to step back and see if you notice any connections. Is there a pattern of behavior? Has a trend been established?

Humans are creatures of habit. Just as you have habitual methods for interpreting information and addressing issues, so too do they. This means that if they have a tendency to get possessive or cutting when drunk, they're going to be assholes when they drink. If it bothers you, don't associate with them when they're drinking. Also bear in mind that alcohol merely lowers inhibitions, so at least on some level that is who they are and how they think of you. If they throw tantrums or throw out nasty insinuations or barbed comments when things fail to go their way, no amount of hurt feelings on your part is going to make them stop.

If they're routinely making tasteless jokes such as faking orgasms when having sex, odds are excellent that they have some issues regarding sex. If they're often making jealous comments or joking about other lovers, they're probably insecure, attempting to play off their possessiveness, and/or inclined to do it themselves.

Ignoring negative patterns of behavior, regardless of motive, only continues and reinforces the problem. Minimizing or overlooking actions of your lover is nothing more than actively ignoring the problem.