Actions continue to speak louder

I was responding to Merripan's comment to yesterday's post when I realized that what I had to say was a fair bit more substantial than would neatly fit in as a comment. Happily, it also looked to be good fodder for an actual post, thus here we are. You can blame my readership for inciting me to write, which I think we can all agree is better than inciting me to riot.

For the sake of personal ease, I am going to excise the key points from her comments I wish to address today.

"There are, of course, some things within a relationship that everyone is going to 'hate/disagree with' about their partner."

In general, I can agree with that. There are always a number of less than ideal aspects to a person. In specific, "hate" implies an intolerance. If there is something you honestly hate about your partner, it's not going to be something you'll be capable of ignoring indefinitely. It could be something as simple as a stubborn cowlick, but if it continually sets your teeth on edge, short of blindness or scalping them, it will become a deal-breaker.

"It's those things that make you, if you are a mature person, look at the situation and ask yourself "Is this something that I honestly need to fight about, or can I live with it?" Picking your battles (don't sweat the small stuff, etc) is something that every relationship should include in order to accept the other half (or third, or fourth) as a part of their lives."

This is where the cruel, jagged teeth sink into the flesh, setting their subtle venoms to work. "If you are a mature person" then your actions will be thus. Sounds completely straight-forward and unequivocal. Who doesn't want to be a mature person in a relationship? Everyone wants to be able to claim that distinction. It sets the hooks bone deep without anyone knowing they've been pierced.

What is "mature" in concrete terms? I can define it in biological terms quite discretely, but when applied to intellectual development it becomes much murkier. Defining emotional maturity is all but completely subjective. For all that maturity is bandied about and held as a universal social marker, the term is disastrously moot.

And yet at the same time, it is not questioned. Everyone continues to strive for this objective, because it ascribes myriad benefits and virtues to their character. It's the "carrot" dangling before their nose allowing their psyche's to apply the "stick" lavishly.

Now the wisdom of picking one's battles comes into question. There is no doubt whatsoever that it's impossible for someone else to fail to irritate, hurt, or otherwise vex you in some way or fashion at any given moment if you socialize to any degree with humanity. Reacting to each and every transgression is not only impossible, but damaging to one's social network. There is no real choice but to decide which is worth pursuing and to what degree is worthwhile.

However, society has a strong bias towards nonconfrontation, which means that given the choice people usually will err on the side of under-reacting. Tie that up with the unspoken expectation that a "mature person" would not be so judgmental/respond so aggressively/make such a big deal out things and the mechanism for some profound rationalization has been put in place all shiny, well lubricated, and fitted with a flashy, gold-plated feed chute. Sure, this week they forgot to take out the garbage for three days in a row, but what if next week they start making snide comments about one of your friends? I'll bet you immediately started supplying reasons for why they would do such a thing so you could automatically downplay the significance.

"That being said - if the thing they are doing is harmful to either themselves or another person (particularly their significant other), then yes indeedy, there needs to be a choice made."

Agreed. But how would you define "harm"? How much harm is excusable before being actionable? Do you apply this answer uniformly to all situations or do you blur the edges with certain people? Do you seek reasons to justify your choice beyond the specific instance of actionable harm? You see, even here, the terms are deceptive and gods only know what that "choice" will actually be. All it takes to put the mental machinery in action is desire. I don't want to feel/do that and magically they'll invent a reason why they don't have to. People are incredibly adept at talking themselves into anything. They can look you right in the eye and with heart-felt sincerity agree that they'd never stand for someone treating them badly and moments later, they'll be apologizing to their cousin for hogging the Xbox so much the cousin had to stab them a dozen times. And oh by the way, when could they play again?

"But if it's a small thing, like... oh, say, using the last of the shampoo but not tossing and replacing the bottle from the shower - that shouldn't necessarily be a big enough deal to suddenly seek a method of breaking up."

Once, twice perhaps sure. But on the other hand, what if it's a major pet-peeve of your's? What if you've discussed this issue in depth with your significant other and they still continue to do it without fail? What if it is an issue of leave or forever swallow your aggravation? I'm betting most people would STILL stay in the relationship because breaking up over failing to replace an empty shampoo bottle seems "silly" or "petty". Then a few months later they find a bloated corpse in the woods with a "family-size" Suave bottle wedged up their colon and a note pinned neatly to their chest that reads, "It wouldn't have killed you to have thrown the damned empty bottle away."

My point is that people seem to contort themselves however they need to in order to define aspects of their loved ones that they hate or cannot abide as "irritating" and thus able to be overlooked. They will not examine past behavior logically. They will ascribe greater weight to motive than to actual offense. They will weigh their own needs and desires against whether they think their reasons are acceptable to others. And they will second-guess themselves endlessly as to whether they are over-reacting to the situation.

It's a load of self-martyring shit.