Jewels in the lush tapestry of retail sales

*Ring ring*
Hello, thank you for calling Lanius Lair of Lechery.

"Do you carry methamphetamine pipes?"

*Ring ring*
Hello, thank you for calling Lanius' Lair of Lechery.

"Hi, I was in just a bit ago and I bought some [generic item]."

Alright.

"Yeah, we've used half the bottle and it's not doing anything. Do I get my money back from you or the manufacturer?"

Note that the product in question answers that question right on the label.

"Excuse me."

Yes, may I help you?

"Yes, I need something for a woman. Not a lubricant."

Alright... so a toy or perhaps a massage oil?

"No. It's for a woman."

I was unaware that such items were for men only. What was I thinking suggesting such obviously inappropriate merchandise?! An enhancement pill?

"No, not that."

I have no idea what you're looking for then. I have no time to play "20 questions with Lassie."

"I don't speak much English."

No fucking shit. Is it a solid, liquid, or gel?

"Gel?"

Close enough. I grab a feminine gel product at random. This is a good product. I quote price, hustling him through the sale and out the door. I hope it meets his needs. Perhaps next time he'll arm himself with more useful phrases.

"Hello."

What can I do for you today?

"Do you sell hash?"

I beg your pardon?

"Do you sell hashish?"