Lemmings in lust

It may be a shock to some, but humanity does not seem to hold a lot of common sense in regards to sex. Perhaps it's not so much of a surprise, though I suspect I'm a bit more dubious and cynical than most in this. Oh well, it's of exceedingly little import. The conclusion still stands; modern man would whang on a jar of nitroglycerin if he thought it would end in an orgasm.

You wouldn't think it would require profound pondering to recognize that if one has long, sharp, and/or ragged fingernails, that putting those fingers in tender areas might, just might, cause distress. Except I still overhear complaints of lovers conducting amateur pap smears. It's not sexy when you have to pick shreds of your partner’s nether regions out from under your meat-hooks. If you have to hand her back her clitoral hood after fondling her, it's doubtful her moans and shrieks were of joy.

One would hope that someone with the wit to understand alcoholic drinks seem to burn if gotten in the eyes or nose would possess at least the suspicion that such a beverage would have a similar effect on all mucous membranes. Nonetheless, I've heard tales of attempts to use champagne, even whiskey or tequila as a sexy, impromptu lubricant.

Soap is not meant for internal use, yet some moron of the belief that lubricant is a substitute for foreplay will invariably get the idea to lather up and mount. If the one unexpectedly intimate with Mr. Bubble doesn't rip the offending anatomy from said moron and club them to death with it, they deserve the agony.

Care to bet someone gives it a go with shaving gel because it feels so slick? How about a some mouthwash while you perform oral sex because it leaves such a tingly sensation after brushing so it's got to work the same way on genitals?

People looking to play with temperature will put toys or liquids in the microwave. If they're lucky, it only makes a mess or ruins the toy. Should they be less fortunate, the emergency room will get to wonder over the extent and location of the subsequent burns.

Or they want some chill. I've talked to people who decided that since ice cubes were so much fun, they'd step it up with tossing some toys in the deep freeze for later. Further, if one guy years ago was to be believed, at least one couple who liked ice, but didn't like the cold water afterward, decided dry ice might be the answer. There are some areas that frostbite and tissue necrosis really doesn’t need to be.

How dim is my fellow man in aggregate that simple things such as, don't use it while driving, not only have to brought up, but explicitly printed on packaging? Too bad they seem to retain enough rude cunning to succeed at breeding.