Body chequed

There's something to be said about some would-be customers.

Usually it's prone to strip the finish off steel, cause statues to weep burning pitch, and deflower virgins at twenty paces.

"Do you have any discount toys?"

Fair enough question, but I've learned it portends that you're only interested in the cheapest, sleaziest nut-buster you can find. Odds are excellent you're also going to attempt to haggle or finagle a deal out of me. No.

"Are the discount DVDs still over there."

Ah, so you've been here before, which means you've probably asked your discount toys question at least once before. You're now deep in "special customer" territory. Indeed they are.

"Do you have to put batteries in them before you sell them?"

Odd question, suspicion increases. We don't have to, no. It is however a courtesy we provide if desired since they can't be returned. I wonder if you're a tweaker wandered in off the neighborhood streets.

"Do they come with batteries?"

Houston, we have a tweaker. His body language is evasive. He's fishing in the hopes of reassuring me he's a legitimate customer. Nope. They do not.

A little too much hovering in the toy section warrants closer attention. Sure enough, he's fiddling with a couple boxes. Razorblades to rupees, if I hadn't wandered over to ask if he was finding everything alright, he'd be tearing into the packaging.

How can I be so sure? As soon as he noticed I was not leaving his general area, he put everything but one vibrator back on the shelves and went straight to the counter. Translation; he needed to get the hell out of here.

We did the little sales dance. I tested the toy, added some batteries to his tally, just on the off chance he'd forget it was simply pretext or feel obligated to carry through to the end. Alas, it was not to be.

"Do you take cheques?"

Not a fucking chance you pox-ridden bed-sore! No we do not.

"I have ID. Do you take cheques with ID?"

Is it your's? Listen you slack-jawed crotch-cricket, if acceptance of a cheque was conditional, I damn well would have provided that condition right off. We take cash or credit card. We do not take cheques at all.

"I don't mean to be an ass-hole, but why wouldn't you take cheques with ID?"

So I shouldn't hold it against you that you were birthed a walking rectum? Go sodomize a pencil sharpener. Policy. We do not accept cheques. It's too easy to pass bad ones and given your insistence on my accepting your's, I'm betting it's as false as your pedigree.

Following the established plot-line slavishly, he left vowing to return with cash in hand, soliciting a promise from me to hold onto his items upon his return. Sure buddy, me and this bushel of turnips believe you.

Be such an individual at your own peril.