Therein lies the rub

The internet is an utterly mad and mystical thing. Where else would you be able to discover such insightful educational news articles such as this one from the Nigerian Tribune. Thank you Fleshbot.

Gets your attention right off in the baldly phrased title, "MASTURBATION: Temporary sexual pleasure with many dangers." You can almost feel the contrived hysteria wafting from the words like an on-shore breeze over a mass whale beaching. Dear gods, how can we balance a temporary sexual pleasure against the implied myriad perils associated with it?!

Except, I would challenge you to find any directly sexual pleasure that couldn't be termed as temporary. Sex is not a pursuit that is marked in weeks, days, or usually even hours. (If you want to get nit-picky about the hour thing, most of those who do boast their sexual interludes linger in excess of an hour are not indulging in the fucking portion of the festivities for the full allotment of time.) If humans were designed to endure that degree of punishing physical friction, twats would be Teflon. Never mind that however, they have papers to sell and a public to scandalize.

Amidst the carefully crafted phrases to imply nonbiased reporting are such gems as,

"Many of the medical practitioners who spoke with Your Health agreed that masturbation, which is the self-stimulation of one’s sexual organ by hand or by other means to achieve sexual excitement, satisfaction and ultimately, to ejaculation, is generally, secretive, but a bad practice common with teenagers."

Strangely, there is no great exposition as to why or how these alleged "medical practitioners" would term masturbation as "bad." Nevermind that I have never heard a member of the medical profession drop such an imprecise conclusion. They generally like discrete linkages between cause and effect, even if the effect is systemic. How odd, it is almost like this news article is simply propaganda.

"Another research also indicates that more children are masturbating. The survey indicates that about one-third of all girls and about half of all boys have masturbated to orgasm by the time they reached the age of 13, with boys generally starting earlier than girls."

Right. Because it's a biological fact that boys undergo puberty earlier than girls. I'd also like to know how they're so sure they're masturbating to orgasm, are they following their urchins everywhere with CAT scanners?

Oh no! If that wasn't dire enough, they go on to say that masturbation causes women to become sexually frigid, ruining marriages or becoming lesbians. Later they allege that masturbation has caused "more deaths among boys in Europe than any plaque or war." As to who conducted or when this ostensible "documentation" was recorded, no mention is given.

The concluding paragraph leaves us with a tense, cliff-hanger of "scientific revelation" that masturbation retards breast growth in girls and risks epilepsy in boys. (Don't ask me how the prostate gland is supposed to link to the spinal cord to affect fluid levels. Maybe it's a side-effect of using their crania to store excess volume from their colon.)

It astounds me that people are still vomiting forth such disinformation. It disgusts me that a country that already suffers from a lack of birth control and wide-spread sexually transmitted disease would seek to exacerbate the problem through the cultivation of deeper fear and shame. Forget that masturbation is low-risk for transmission and no risk for pregnancy; they want people huddling together in marriage until they die if they ever wish to express their sexuality and while they're at it, to stamp out the threat to all civilization that is pornography.

Now you you'll excuse me, I have to find the flat-chested, convulsing, mentally shattered, damned that they assure me must be stacked like cordwood around here meters tall.