Need in the gut.
It's starkly disquieting how the use of the word "need" within the context of a relationship tends to elicit a sphincter pucker capable of anchoring a yacht in a category five hurricane. Somewhere along the line of our societal history, we saddled ourselves with equating "need" with "weakness." The ideal individual is independent. Literally, they should be dependant upon no person, entity, or substance. It is a goal that has been welded to the "American Dream" in that people aspire to own free and clear their house, their car, and be independently wealthy.
The implications they must do anything often conveys along with it a general sense of scorn and an indication of a perceived limit of will. A reflexive, stubborn rebellion often makes itself felt in response and typically ranges from the simple and direct request to go fuck themselves to a more far reaching inquiry as to the presence of their personal armsmen to enforce their edict.
At some point, this distilled even further into what appears to be a pathological love-hate cycle within romantic relationships. On one hand, people like to feel wanted and needed by those they care about. Being able to demonstrate their care to a loved one meets an internal emotional need. Because the other's health and happiness matters to the other, it provides a sense of security that they personally have a role or utility outside of the rest of the world. If they are needed, it implies a depth of personal investment in the other.
At the same time, society preaches that a well-adjusted adult doesn't need anyone to be happy and healthy. He doesn't need a lover to prove his masculinity. She doesn't need a partner in order to be happy. The variations are abundant and for what they're worth, are true. The problem is that people attempt to carry it further. Instead of a simple observation that there is more to a person than a particular relationship, now the emphasis is that a relationship must be a minor concern at most. The implication that a whole, healthy person gives nothing up in a relationship creates a brittle dichotomy.
Thus people battle to be needed without needing in turn. Men will brood in silent agony because if they bend that little bit to share their problems, it will be demonstrating a personal lack or weakness. Hospital care is a nightmare. The concept of being placed in a nursing home or crippled in some manner carries the potential to shatter their self-identity. Women will suddenly panic and retreat from a lover if she fears she has even slightly started to depend on them more than she judges is safe or correct. They live in terror of being subsumed by their significant other, slowly stripped of their entire identity. It tears seemingly healthy people up inside, handicapping their relationships. All because one little word has been vilified.
Of course, there are plentiful examples to wave around to illustrate the evils of needing another person. The line between addiction and need can be fine indeed and we're beset on all sides with new and evolving addictions. There are always going to be psyche's so retarded, twisted, or shattered that they cannot function without another personality to give them life. Thus there are always going to be examples and hazards in the world.
What of it?! You cannot live expecting the worst-case scenario to occur. You can be prepared if it does, but expecting it won't allow you to avoid it if it happens and is a waste of energy if it doesn't.
Mutual need is a natural outgrowth of a deepening relationship. Everyone possesses a different skill set; things that they do a little better than some, things they do a little worse than others, and perhaps divergent from still others. Ultimately, it not only provides greater strength and flexibility to the relationship, but just like a herd of gazelles where they trade off watching for predators while the rest graze, no one has to try to do everything.
A final word however. Do notice that I said mutual need. If one side needs and the other does not, you've wandered away from the world of symbiosis and into the realm of predation or parasitism depending on who's benefiting.
I just wish people would worry less about how well their relationships measure up to some popular ideal and pay more attention to what makes them happy.
*Yes, the title is a pun. Savor the nuance of the English language.
The implications they must do anything often conveys along with it a general sense of scorn and an indication of a perceived limit of will. A reflexive, stubborn rebellion often makes itself felt in response and typically ranges from the simple and direct request to go fuck themselves to a more far reaching inquiry as to the presence of their personal armsmen to enforce their edict.
At some point, this distilled even further into what appears to be a pathological love-hate cycle within romantic relationships. On one hand, people like to feel wanted and needed by those they care about. Being able to demonstrate their care to a loved one meets an internal emotional need. Because the other's health and happiness matters to the other, it provides a sense of security that they personally have a role or utility outside of the rest of the world. If they are needed, it implies a depth of personal investment in the other.
At the same time, society preaches that a well-adjusted adult doesn't need anyone to be happy and healthy. He doesn't need a lover to prove his masculinity. She doesn't need a partner in order to be happy. The variations are abundant and for what they're worth, are true. The problem is that people attempt to carry it further. Instead of a simple observation that there is more to a person than a particular relationship, now the emphasis is that a relationship must be a minor concern at most. The implication that a whole, healthy person gives nothing up in a relationship creates a brittle dichotomy.
Thus people battle to be needed without needing in turn. Men will brood in silent agony because if they bend that little bit to share their problems, it will be demonstrating a personal lack or weakness. Hospital care is a nightmare. The concept of being placed in a nursing home or crippled in some manner carries the potential to shatter their self-identity. Women will suddenly panic and retreat from a lover if she fears she has even slightly started to depend on them more than she judges is safe or correct. They live in terror of being subsumed by their significant other, slowly stripped of their entire identity. It tears seemingly healthy people up inside, handicapping their relationships. All because one little word has been vilified.
Of course, there are plentiful examples to wave around to illustrate the evils of needing another person. The line between addiction and need can be fine indeed and we're beset on all sides with new and evolving addictions. There are always going to be psyche's so retarded, twisted, or shattered that they cannot function without another personality to give them life. Thus there are always going to be examples and hazards in the world.
What of it?! You cannot live expecting the worst-case scenario to occur. You can be prepared if it does, but expecting it won't allow you to avoid it if it happens and is a waste of energy if it doesn't.
Mutual need is a natural outgrowth of a deepening relationship. Everyone possesses a different skill set; things that they do a little better than some, things they do a little worse than others, and perhaps divergent from still others. Ultimately, it not only provides greater strength and flexibility to the relationship, but just like a herd of gazelles where they trade off watching for predators while the rest graze, no one has to try to do everything.
A final word however. Do notice that I said mutual need. If one side needs and the other does not, you've wandered away from the world of symbiosis and into the realm of predation or parasitism depending on who's benefiting.
I just wish people would worry less about how well their relationships measure up to some popular ideal and pay more attention to what makes them happy.
*Yes, the title is a pun. Savor the nuance of the English language.
posted by Lanius at 8:37 PM
1 Comments:
Fuck, you hit it perfectly. Terrifyingly accurate. I am dealing with the implications of this right now. I think I've moved to the other side, and he's slowly on his way.
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