The naughtiest part is that we paid for it to be here.

Every so often I will select a movie off the shelves that I've not seen before to scan through. I tend to hold that keeping a general knowledge of the various movies available for rent is to be highly desired. Mostly it keeps me current on the new hot talent and production trends.

Rarely will I find something that knocks my socks off. I've either gotten inured to graphic sex or the companies just don't put much effort into showcasing the action in engaging ways anymore. Probably a bit of both. The fashion of contextless scenes under a general theme is not one that inspires neither artistic vision nor talent.

If the truly impressive movies are scarce as hen's teeth, the truly atrocious are disturbingly plentiful. For instance, I decided to take a peek at a video titled, "Naughty Newfie." Apparently, they were successful enough online that they decided to try their hand at diversifying. I wish they hadn't. Home movies have more production value. By the end of what sufficed as a first scene, I could feel my will to live waning.

The star of this mess is pretty enough, in a regular woman type of way. One could very easily see her as a neighbor. Unfortunately, that's about the extent of the film's high points.

She has one male lead, probably her husband. Perhaps they subscribe to the Ron Jeremy model of male talent, without the charisma or endowments. If you enjoy heavy men with bad skin getting blowjobs, then he should be right up your alley.

The cut scenes, supposedly to set the stage for the next bout of sex and whet the appetite, are comprised of naught but some unenthusiastic fellatio bookending woodenly recited lines. Normally, you have to attend a grade school play to get such deft adherence to the theatric craft.

The sexual action is almost entirely fellacio though it is implied that there will be a wider variety of sexual contact. There is a very awkward strip routine which has been spliced and cut "artistically". This is followed by the painfully obvious "lap dance" that devolves into a grope of her body before the blowjob. Next scene is supposed to be fetishy, so after a montage of her purportedly hammering back hard liquor shots, she dons a skin tight lycra number with only her mouth exposed. Once again, blowjob city. Wow, how edgy. Next is the token girl-on-girl action. My she's debauched. Then there's a scene of actual penetrative sex with some nods to mutual oral sex, from an overhead angle while he twitches and she moans in the popular spoon position wedged against the wall. Of course, there is the "spontaneous" roadside pick up since she's decided to walk the miles home in the snow, the wrong way, in little beyond a stripper dress. Cue the driving blowjob and masturbation before she comes home to her "husband." Solo shower scene. Inept sex with hubby culminating in yet another facial.

Underpinning it all is the most annoying pseudo hip-hop/native american synth music on endless loop. Somewhere they managed to put together some lyrics to tout her rampant sexuality and sexual skills delivered with the professionalism and polish of a wanna-be white rapper someone dared to let out of the garage.

If/when someone finally rents or buys that cinematic gem, I'm certain I will have to weather the scathing rebuke of the poor sap who selected it. Repeatedly punching yourself in the crotch should be less painful in the long run.

I hate getting stuck with "dog" titles.