Who's holding the reins?

Ever notice that folks seem to adopt one of two tactics when they seek to feel empowered romantically? If they don't attempt to turn their significant other into some reflection of a living marionette, they erect self-imposed barriers and handicaps to prevent themselves, to a greater or lesser degree, from interacting with someone beyond an artificial and largely superficial level.

The former option is so wide-spread it's the basis for countless jokes. How's a man like linoleum? Lay them right and you can walk all over them for years. How many real men does it take to change a light-bulb? None, the bitch can do the dishes in the dark. In both cases, the impact is predicated on the very obvious inference that one side is in the driver's seat. Many people would argue they wouldn't go quite that far outside of a joke, but a vast majority seems to believe that safety and voice in a relationship is found in the constraint of their partner. They may even subscribe to the idea of mutually held lines of control. How many couples focus on what the other person is submitting to, rather than the responsibility they are taking up, within traditional wedding vows? How many people immediately enter a relationship silently discovering every avenue to manipulating their partner? Of course, they rarely think of it in such garish terms. Instead, they are merely taking steps to keep the other person from walking over them. Their motivations are in the other's best interests, to be helpful, to improve them.

Very rapidly they go from being in control in their relationship to being controlling of the relationship. Their perspective is focused on their SO, on making sure that person does not stray outside the bounds they've been given. It is unavoidable that attention sticks with all the ways that person transgresses rather than all the things they do to support the relationship. As their time and energy is increasingly devoted toward "border patrol," their mental stance shifts to a quiet distrust; a tacit expectation that their partner is looking to get away with something. One sided or mutual, you cannot maintain a seed of mistrust within a relationship without eroding it. Which leads to more feelings of insecurity, which leads to trying to tighten their grip on the other, which just feeds back into the cycle. The relationship collapses or both parties can fall into a status quo "Cold War" of surpassing subtlety.

In addition, one cannot manipulate an equal. The one manipulating is always moving from the perspective of being superior to the one being manipulated as lesser. The more successful they are at exerting control on the other, the greater the degree of contempt that is unconsciously generated. Who doesn't feel that little whisper of triumph when the other person does what you led them to do? Who doesn't feel that small sense that the other person is less for having fallen for it? Sure, this can lead to a sense of control much like one would feel with a pet, but a significant other can rebel and that rarely leaves either side feeling they have much control anymore.

The latter option, of holding oneself aloof, is also popular. It feels at the outset to be extremely empowering and self-aware, thus the sense of control must be honest. Sadly, it is most often a mechanism to show control when the individual is actually anything but. They lack the ability to interact with a partner on an even basis and forge something they feel they have an equal voice in and so they impose a framework designed to prevent anything similar from being a possibility, thus reinforcing their private determination that they are unable to control their life without such drastic measures and making sure they never have to develop those skills and self confidence. In control? Hardly, they live in terror that they'll slip up and they'll be helpless and powerless. They've abdicated their control for arbitrary rules that may or may not bear any resemblance to what they honestly desire in a relationship.

Real control in a relationship is personal. It is a trust that one's partner is doing what is best for the relationship, for what is loving toward them. It is a solid confidence that one can express one's needs and wants effectively, without coercion or condition.

Too bad so many don't look further than the immediate.