Vocabulary wasn't your strong subject was it?

A man approaches the counter. In his eager little mitt is a cheap vibrator, which he lays upon the counter diffidently. I collect it and am just beginning to inquire whether he wants me to verify its function when he pulls a still sealed box of novelty mints and receipt from his pocket.

“I would like to swap this for the toy.”

Oh my, something about this promises to be fun. I apologize, but that would not be possible. All sales are final.

“I have my receipt. The [mints] are unopened.”

Once more unto the breach. I can’t take it back.

“I’m not trying to return it, I just want to swap it for something else.”

I point to a sign by the register:

All Sales Are Final.
No Refunds.
No Exchanges.

I can’t swap it out for you, sir. We do not accept exchanges.

“Your sign doesn’t say anything about swapping. I want to swap the items.”

Like bloody hell it doesn’t you numb-wit! What the bloody fuck do you think an “exchange” is if not a “swap”?! Oh wait, you couldn’t be bothered to read the damned sign earlier, nor your receipt. You’re that shining beacon of humanity that is THE exception to all store policy. Pay attention you by-blow of leprous baboons, anything spelled out beyond “all sales are final” is just restating matters. You bought it, it’s yours. What does the sign say? I will not switch out the items for you. Now, if you want to buy the toy, I’d be happy to ring you up. Otherwise, I can’t help you.

He left.