Means to an end.

So much of my job revolves around the “hook up” in one manner or another, that it’s almost surreal. No one grabs a movie off the shelves here to watch a parade of women telling some unlucky bastard that they just think of him as a friend/brother and they don’t want to ruin their friendship with anything physical. Nor are there many patrons out there salivating to buy a sex toy that proclaims it has a headache/faked every orgasm/is filing a restraining order when they want to use it. In the fantasy world manufactured by the adult industry, the world of challenging, sublime sexual congress is just a secluded corner away.

For what it’s worth, it’s a nice little dream. No one really wants to think that the only way they’re going to get any action outside their own hands is to get cozy with a hot tub jet or hang out in a cat shelter with panties laced with catnip. Hope, like Priapus’ erections, spring eternal.

But it is only a dream, break-ups are a fact of life. One only has to cast their attention to music to grasp the weight that ended relationships possess in the mind of society. Cripes, it’s a damn staple of country western music; the original emo music.

You would think that, as widely understood that the breaking of emotional ties can be utterly devastating, as universal as being dumped is on a personal level, with so much time and energy devoted to the subject, that someone would have stood up and thought, “Gee, this is extremely painful and awkward, perhaps I should look at whether it was more painful than it needed to be.”

Apparently, this is not a commonly held thought. Talk about a communal lack of learning curve.

What totally shits my nettles sideways is that so much of what makes break-ups nasty is completely fucking optional.

People will find themselves in a relationship that no longer meets their needs, something has changed/not changed and the relationship is no longer a source of joy, and the idea of breaking up occurs to them. Most of the time, these people will find themselves immediately motivated to fix the issue so things are better. Whether they actually do anything constructive varies widely, but it’s a basic impulse; if it hurts, make it not hurt. Doesn’t even require a complex nervous system to implement.

However, for many this will immediately cause them to negotiate with themselves. They don’t want to be a bitch or give up “too soon” on things. Some seem to believe there exists some form of “equity” that is accumulated during the length of the relationship. This in turn means that people can hold on past the natural end in the mistaken hope if they just hold on long enough, it will make things better. Some people think this shows that they really love the other person, that it proves their commitment. All it actually is is an irrational person jealously guarding a corpse. The body may not be physical, but the putrefaction is more than real.

If the problem is outside of the control of both individuals, every last ounce of energy spent fighting is only going to engender increasing frustration, guilt, and bitterness. If it’s something that can be solved by the other person and they aren’t interested, all holding on will do is feed resentment and anger. How well would you react to someone demonstrating that you and your relationship aren’t worth enough to them to change?

Some women will wait to say it’s over in the mistaken idea that it’s nicer or somehow better. Never mind that it actually plays out as weeks or months of the other person thinking they’re moving in the right direction before the carpet is yanked and they learn she’s been checked out of the relationship long before, and usually has all that saved up frustration and resentment distilling as well.

And when you get to the actual talk, the formal notice that it’s all over and that henceforth both sides need to unentangle their respective lives, folks often try to soften the blow or take the opportunity to launch a final no-holds barred personal attack.

Quite obviously, the latter is intended on inflicting as much damage as possible in as short a span as possible. Does it need to be done? No. No matter how good it feels to just unload on the other person, they will retaliate and they’re going to know where to hit you just as well as you know where to hit them.

The former option is quite a popular tactic as well, and I hate it more than the sudden declaration of unending enmity. The fallacy is that spreading it all out allows the other person to wean themselves to singlehood. Instead, it’s slowly sawing a steak knife through the bonds instead of shearing through them all at once with a machete. No one realizes that until it’s all over, there can be no healing. It may be intense at the time, but when you stretch things out, that’s where the emotional scarring and baggage is going to pile up.

If you concern yourself with their feelings, either to spare them or target them, you’re only making it worse.