No Deposit, No Return

People spend a lot of time here reinforcing my assertion that humanity is at heart short-sighted and self-serving. The most common method utilized would be challenging the store's "No Return, No Exchange" policy. As one would guess, these consumers are of the opinion that their particular issue warrants an exception. Jimbo bought a vibrator his lover doesn't like. Skeeter purchased a water-based lube when she wanted a silicone-based instead. Movie X just didn't do it for them and could they please just swap it for movie Y? Continue the variations until nauseous.

Most recently, I was approached by a man who started our little dialogue with the delightfully momentous line, "Hi, what's your return policy?" Right out of the gates and the outcome is predestined. Cue the tumbleweeds to roll by in the suddenly empty, dusty streets. Cue the wooden flute to do the short, haunting melody.

With curious caution, I reply that we don't have a return policy.

"Even if something broke?"

Funny thing about that, breakage would actually be a usual reason people want to bring something back. So far, he's not advanced his case appreciably. Yeah, we are no return, no exchange.

"What's that mean?"

That unless you can produce a miracle, buddy, you're going to enjoy another helping of disappointment. The store doesn't take anything back once sold.

"Well that sucks. I bought one of those Pepsi cans and the top fell off."

A little more understanding dawns. He bought one of our "hide-a-safes" and the model he chose was crafted out of a soda can. Have you tried to epoxy the top to the inner cap again?

"I tried a spray adhesive, but it didn't work. The metal part rolled away down the street. It was pretty embarrassing."

I wince in sympathy.

"You sure I can't just exchange it for another one?"

Unfortunately, I can't do that. On the face of things, it doesn't seem like an unreasonable request. However, I have no idea if our supplier would take it back. On the other hand, that is a minor consideration compared to the fact I have no idea what it was used to hold subsequent to purchase. In the event it was used to secrete illicit substances, that could lead to the store assuming a level of liability. It should come as a shock to no one that I'm staunchly adverse to that. Just to be thorough I ask when it was purchased and if he still had the receipt.

"I have the can. I bought it on Christmas. It was a present for myself."

Bummer, but bad luck happens to everyone. Yeah, there's nothing I can really do.

He spent a little time explaining how special it was and the clerk that sold it to him as well as alleging how much he bought when he was in previously (remember what I said about people expecting special consideration because they dropped a certain dollar amount? Sheesh), as if he could just talk his way into somehow getting what he wanted. He claimed he was going to attempt to argue his case to another manager, though I don't think he's going to be successful. A policy decision once made carries weight and no functional staff will undercut their employees.