A quartet of questions.

A guy running under the moniker of "WitNit" posted an interesting little post around four deceptively direct questions to ask yourself whether you're in a good relationship. In at least one case, they have sparked a bit of contemplation.

These questions are:

1. Is it okay with you if this person stays just as they are the rest of his or her life?

2. Would you like to become more like this person?

3. If you were inclined to have a child, would you want to have a child with this person?

4. Would you like that child to grow up to be just like this person?

I do term these questions as deceptively direct, because a vast number of people will read the above and think, "Why those four?” After all, there is no question regarding if they beat you or drink too much or fucked your little brother at your birthday party. One of the four doesn't ask expressly whether they treat you right. Not a one baldly inquires as to how good the sex is. The questions tend to fall into what most people would regard as the realm of "that would be nice". Very few people appear to hold much importance to the answers of these four questions. They read the words and smile, nod, and dismiss the daft pleasantness for the more important questions.

This is horribly unfortunate, because taking heed of this little checklist would save so much misery and heart-break in the long run. The questions are distilled wisdom. Four easy to digest doses of relationship medicine, if you will.

The principle is simple. All four of the questions are answered with a simple yes or no. If you can answer all four with a "yes", then you have a relationship with potential. If the answer to even one is a "no", then you have a relationship with no future.

The first question seems to be the one that trips up the most people. They read the words "is it okay with you if this person stays just as they are the rest of his or her life" and immediately start to dicker. Their first, gut-level answer is negative and that bothers them. The one's that honestly answer "yes" to number one have no reason to spend much time worrying about the question. They're confident and assured, no pressure, no strain and are on to the next question without batting an eyelash. On the other side, you find people breaking out the mental accounting forms, furiously tallying up perceived benefits to perceived liabilities. They will attempt to provide qualifications to their answers. "Yes, but..." "Yes, if..." "Yes, except..." This isn't open to negotiation. There are only two answers. It's a binary solution set, kiddies. If you cannot give an unqualified affirmative, it is by definition a negative.

It astounds me how many people will not recognize that the very act of talking themselves into the desired affirmative answer is a huge red flag of itself. If you have to talk yourself up to accepting your partner, there's obviously something very wrong. People will pick up in amazingly short order all the little flaws and irritations pertaining to their partner upon exposure and then they will go out of their way to rationalize how minor it is. Sure someone might have some unpleasant moments deciding whether their habit of biting off their toenails and spitting them onto the living room carpet is too disgusting to tolerate, but there are many people who will devote considerable energy to minimizing the impact of their partner's drug use, or temper, or cheating, or tendency to be condescending in conversations. It isn't loving someone despite their flaws, it's loving someone just as much for their flaws as their strengths because who they are is important. Too many people get hung up on what they perceive as their partner's potential never stopping to understand that potential is as tangible as a rainbow. Nothing says the glowing ideal you can see in that other person is even possible, let alone that they will choose to work toward it. All you will ever have is what they are at that moment. If you can't take them as they are and be happy, all you're going to do is introduce terminal levels of resentment, irritation, frustration, and stress.

Number two takes a bit of contemplation. It isn't asking if you want to become the other person. It isn't about subsuming your own identity to that of your partner. Rather it is asking whether the person you are seeing is a person worth being in your opinion. Do you personally see qualities in them that you'd like to cultivate within yourself? If you don't, why the hell are you spending time with them? What can they really offer a relationship if they do not embody qualities that you value?

The last two are mostly asking the first two questions from a different perspective. A lot of people appear to more readily accept the negatives when it's directed to themselves. Children are another story. Even if you're a rabid anti-breeder, if you would have reservations having children with them, over and above your own stance on the subject, it generally indicates something is not as it should be between you. If it makes you uncomfortable visualizing them as a parent, how do you know that personality defect is not at play in your own relationship? If the answer to three is "no", you should leave. Your subconscious has detected a rot that has probably escaped your notice. It will save you from a nasty surprise later.

And lastly on that vein, if your sweetie is not suitable as a role-model to a child, if who they are is not something you want to imprint upon the next generation, they are lacking enough as a person that they shouldn't be with you either.

I know that there are those who will look at those around them and see a lack of people sticking by the four questions. It's easy to despair and decide the four are unrealistic or for the few or some other excuse to validate yourself in not being successful if you aren't able to respond to each with "yes". There are a million ways to shift the blame off yourself, countless numbers of people willing to assist you in nurturing your very own sense of "victimhood". Of course, you'll notice they're rarely happy with their own lives. They repeat the same mistakes, make the same excuses, and shamble forth to be completely devastated anew by the twentieth incarnation of the same error that they never saw coming in the exact same way it came to pass the nineteen times before in the exact same manner.

Stop making excuses. There are six bloody billion people crawling over the globe. If you haven't found someone suitable yet, keep looking. Don't waste your time and energy on the ones that don't meet your needs. When you find people that you can answer "yes" to all four questions about them, it will astound you how much shit you'd been willing to swallow because you didn't know any better.

Of course, the list doesn't mean the relationship will be successful. All they'll do is point out an unhealthy relationship.