Think before you react.

What is it about people that makes them so morbidly self-destructive? Time after time I will see ostensibly strong couples wander in, have one person share a comment with the other, only to see the second react in a negative manner. It would be one thing if it was purely some odd facet of my store’s atmosphere. (Granted, if it was, I’d be ripping the entire place apart to correct that tone. Folks should be happy buying toys and movies. Call me weird but an orgasm in the near future should not be a cause to slash one’s wrists.) However, it can be observed everywhere. Hell, anyone that’s ever interacted with another person at some point in their life should have first-hand and vivid understanding of this phenomenon.

I have a profound understanding that humans are horrendously complex bundles of emotional eddies and currents. Moods change, some tone will jar, or some word will convey some distasteful connotation and the next thing you know, the listener is five flavors of upset.

On occasion, it’s to be expected. Verbally lashing out seems to be humanity’s favorite sport shortly followed by physically lashing out. Media is rife with examples. The concept of the verbal attack is ingested with mother’s milk. Even the most sheltered child understands what an insult is and how to craft one, even if it is simplistic and unrefined. For what it’s worth sarcasm and caustic remarks are a personal hobby, so it’s not like I am even remotely innocent in contributing to the background noise of uttered malice. On the other hand, it is not something I vomit forth in a sense-less deluge upon everyone in my vicinity.

However, you would think that there are little sanctuaries from the uncaring public in close friends and lovers. These are people who allegedly care about you and who you care about as well. So logically, these are the people who are the least likely to want to hurt you. They might hurt you, but it’s rarely deliberate.

All of which makes me want to know why in the custardy layers of Yuggoth it is so fucking hard for people to assume the other person is NOT making an attack?! Why the bloody hell would your husband of three years take it in his head to start a vicious verbal mauling for no reason? Could it perhaps be possible that his phrasing was less than ideal? Could you perchance have attributed incorrect meaning to what he was saying? There are probably three or more ways someone could interpret what another tells them, yet it seems that some folks cannot help but leap to the most dire, cruel, and/or destructive interpretation they can gin up. And this is with someone they trust enough to be intimate and vulnerable with?

Sit down, shut the fuck up, and stop playing architect to your own damned misery.

It costs you nothing to assume their statement was delivered in the gentlest of intent. If it turns out you’re wrong, it takes no time at all to ramp up to a suitable intensity. Besides, if they are picking a fight, the quiet response will throw their momentum off and force them to be even more blatantly aggressive. Which at that point, kills all pretense it was other than intentional.

Contrarily, if you immediately respond at DEFCON 5, blood’s been drawn and stance has been adopted. Even if it wasn’t intended to be a fight, it’s been made into one. It’s incredibly hard to back down to more rational and moderate levels.

Furthermore, making the assumption that the other is not attempting harm, it shifts your thought patterns. Your mind is examining what was said and you radiate that you’re attentive. This in turn facilitates further explanation or clarification as it automatically assumes a measure of trust. No one is accusatory, no one is defensive. Over time, it breeds confidence in communication. If you've reacted on the assumption it was an attack, neither side is going to want to relax, unsure if/when the next stab will be made. Walking on egg-shells is not only highly uncomfortable, but it cripples communication.

Changing the verbal cues that set your partner on edge is a reasonable next step with this foundation and next thing you know, the stupid fights become increasingly rare. Maybe they didn't know that starting a sentence in a certain way awoke an emotional resonance because it had been used so often in the past to deliver criticism and it merely needed to be pointed out to your partner for them to be aware.

Maybe if enough people take a clue I’ll be treated to less domestic disputes vented in the public forum.