Some things should not squeltch when moved.

The discovery today of the wretched, forlorn remains of some jelly-latex toys that had languished for far too long upon the shelves has spurred me to write a brief little public service announcement of sorts.

For those who are unfamiliar with the substance, it’s chemically treated latex. The treatment makes it incredibly soft which as it happens tends to be a selling point with some items. Go figure. Perhaps that's why the beach sand encrusted dildos aren't flying off the shelves. Unfortunately, jelly is not what anyone would consider “long-lived”. Normal wear-and-tear will phase a well-enjoyed toy out of your toy-box in a couple months, give or take. However, that does not mean it’s going to be fine sitting on a shelf or in a drawer for extended periods, only taken out for gentle drives on Sunday. The lifetime may be over treble what it would be in a steady rotation, but it’s also not doing anything more than “look pretty” which is completely daft in terms of a sexual novelty.

Barring any other factors, the latex degrades over time, releasing the trapped gases and bleeding chemicals. After a point, it’s not something anyone would want to get to know intimately. No one wants to unsuspectingly touch what feels like a chthonic union of bubble-gum and dead Cnidaria. Takes some serious scrubbing to banish the residue from the skin as well. Fun and a half.

Thus, if you start detecting the following signs, you might want to start thinking about retiring your toy.

• Tacky to the touch.
• Adheres to surfaces. Unless it has a suction cup that you’re using, it should not stick to walls.
• Color has leeched within the toy or onto the surface it is resting.
• Texture looks blotchy under light.
• Appears glazed or greasy even when clean and dry.
• Cloudy areas have appeared. (Don’t fuck around with this one. It could also indicate bacterial growth.)

Hopefully this might help a few people avoid some unpleasant discoveries and/or damage. Good luck with that.