Plucking at another thread.

Why does it seem like the biggest issue that breaks up a relationship is that one or both do not accept who the other person is? This should be the very last problem that people have. What is more basic in a relationship than getting to know the other? But no, one or both sides seem to have a pathological need to idealize. I see it in my friends and acquaintances. I witness bits and fragments in the world around me. At some juncture in getting to know “Chris”, “Tailor” will develop an image of them. In most cases, this image will be static and filtered by what Tailor wants.

Certain qualities are given a pleasant spin. “Feisty” seems delightful when things are good, but somehow it eludes consciousness that it’s also “bitchy, defiant, and/or aggressive” when on the receiving end. Other qualities just get glossed-over in the first bloom of romance. What do you mean Chris chews their toenails and drinks the blood of lemmings? Yet when the bloom fades, these facets suddenly loom large. When the hell did Tailor start leaving crusty underwear scattered about the house and bathing in the lung-butter of chain-smoking cetaceans?! Still others are created out of whole-cloth. Chris is so patient, when the person in question tends to pace waiting for a microwave bell to go off, weaves through traffic like they're fighting for pole position, and curses a blue streak if they ever hit a red light, but they're being out of character when five minutes into any argument they wander off in frustration.

Accusations are leveled that the other person is "not who they thought they were" as if anyone ever has complete mastery of how another person perceives them. Sure, some people may embark at the outset to manipulate and obscure who they are behind a finely honed series of personas, however most people lack that level of determination and malice of forethought. The sad truth is that people will see what they want to see and in the event they can no longer maintain the image, they will lash out in disappointment that they’ve been disillusioned.

Heavens forefend it was an error on their part; the fault must lie with the other. They must have changed. They must have deliberately taken steps to hurt you and sabotage the relationship. Sure. That makes scads of logical and emotional sense.

And what if they did change after all? Why is that so bad? Oh, that’s right. It’s because the little mental image of who you think they are is static. There is no room for growth or change allowed. Almost everyone equates the known with what is safe and secure. Thus, a person that is safe and secure is someone that is known completely. To allow for growth is to allow for a kernel of chaos, for a degree of uncertainty. How many people have ever not heard that hysterical voice howling in the recesses of their mind terrified that their beloved will leave them behind, stop loving them, or otherwise out-grow them? What they forget or choose not to see is that the only people or relationships that do not change over time are utterly dead. Yet time after time, these people wonder why their relationships lack the vitality and depth they crave. It’s like they devote themselves to evacuating all the water and atmosphere from a plot of land and then bemoan that the land is utterly lifeless.

Almost as prevalent is the idea that you can change the other person. Very rarely does anyone consider the statement that baldly, however it frames expectations all the same. Many are convinced that “if they really love me, they’ll be what I need” is a truism. All that is true from that belief is that pain and misery will follow. There is no such thing as a “fixer-upper” relationship. You cannot date someone and build some form of personality equity. If a guy starts dating a girl he met working at a strip club, at no fucking time does he have any right to bitch about her choice to work as a stripper. If you happen to date a person that maintains a sex blog, column, etc. you better be comfortable with that part of them. If you date someone you know is on drugs, I hope you’re prepared to be with an addict. If you can’t stand smoking don’t date a smoker. If you can’t stand someone that’s into sports, don’t date someone who has to catch every game. You cannot pick and bloody choose what things you will accept in someone you have chosen to date and what you will not.

You have to look at what they are offering in a relationship and decide for yourself whether they will fulfill your needs in a relationship, whether you will fulfill their needs, and whether it’s worth it. Indeed, someone might change in a way that suits you better, but it has to be their decision, for their own reasons regardless of you. Such an occurrence is actually quite rare despite what movies would like us to believe. If you’re not happy with who you have right now, why the hell are you with them? I don’t care how much you love someone, if there parts to them that you cannot accept or the relationship doesn’t meet your needs, it’s not a healthy relationship.

So how do you get around this? Well a brilliant start would be to not rush into anything until you’ve had a chance to get to know them a bit. The initial rush of a connection skews everyone’s judgment, which bodes not well for objective observation. In addition, it’s bloody hard for people to keep themselves all polished up and in the best light over extended periods of time. Sooner or later, they're going to have a bad day or the "shiny" will slip a bit. Their good qualities may capture your interest, but it’s who they are when they don’t give a shit that will show the limits.

Next, look at them as a person. Someone who may very well exasperate you until you want to mash a pillow over their "cute little face with its adorable dimple when they smile" until they stop struggling. Someone who may use that voice that sends tingles down your back to inform you drunkenly at four in the morning how it burns when they urinate since the last time they had sex with you. In short, get to know their flaws and annoying quirks. Can you live with it? Is it more than you’d put up with in a friend? How about a housemate? If it is, there is no way in hell that love is going to overcome that aggravation.

Lastly, assume that you will never know them completely. Look forward to a never-ending series of discoveries. Don’t ever let your mental image of your partner solidify into rock-hard certainty. There is no such thing as a healthy risk-free relationship. If they aren’t worth risking getting hurt caring about, they aren’t worth devoting any time to. Stick to movies and toys. I can set you up.