In the days of being young and stupid.
Hadn’t planned on taking more than a day off writing in the blog, but then again, I didn’t plan on catching one of the varieties of lung crud that is floating around. In any case, it did a number on my self-discipline and it was nice in a way to give myself a long weekend.
So how about some nice nostalgia.
Julie and I were still keeping in light contact. The days hanging out in our shared small town were past, but every so often we’d cross paths. I’ve always been a sucker for obscure conversations with beautiful women. Julie fit the bill to a tee.
She also had a talent for leaving me utterly confused. Even looking back and examining it through the perspective of hard won insights and subsequent conversations, I am scarcely more confident of what elements were at play than I was at that moment.
Two occasions stand especially stark in my memories.
The first was when Julie came by my apartment. It was a nice visit. After about an hour or two, one of the other decided the weather was warm enough that a swim would be a treat. So I scampered off to find a pair of shorts to swim in. Julie stripped off her bra deeming her t-shirt to be adequate and I found her some shorts that would work for her other end. Thus attired, we made haste to the complex’s pool.
Other than one oversight, it was a pretty stress-free time of bad jokes and splashing around. Recall that Julie had divested herself of her bra previous. Yeah, being a rather clue-less boy, it never crossed my mind that a white t-shirt might evidence properties that could be rather illuminating. She blushed so hard her bleeding mascara looked like liquid onyx. One of my neighbors came out to the pool after a while so we made a strategic retreat back to the apartment.
We were standing in my kitchen laughing and formulating snarky hypotheses about the disapproving lady we’d fled the pool from, when somehow a “one-up” type thing cropped up. She poked me in the ribs which led to retaliation of the same, etc. Julie took me completely by surprise when she dipped her hand down the waist of my cut-offs. It feels like I stood there poleaxed and blinking for an hour, though I know it had to have been only a minute or two. By then, my competitive nature came to the fore, I couldn’t let her win. So I groped her chest before copping a feel of her pubic hair.
I thought I was cut adrift before? We started making out, enthusiastic, lingering kisses standing in the middle of the kitchen.
Then we stopped. I retired to the bedroom while she used the bathroom to change back into drier clothes.
Somehow, we wound up kissing again. I remember her telling me, “I’m not going to fuck you, Lanius.” Before long she was laying back on the futon in the living room in her gold colored bra and panties. My heart was pounding. I could not understand how this came about.
I slid her panties down. I recall vividly easing my fingers into her. The texture of her skin, her temperature, the tension in her body. Kissing and caressing her, I managed to bring her. Once, twice, three times; I’d never experienced a woman who could orgasm sequentially before. I remember how her breathing changed, how her stomach convulsed while her body arched rigidly, how she felt wrapped around my fingers.
Afterward, we lay there for a few minutes in silence. She thanked me.
We got pulled together and chatted for a bit longer and then she went home.
The second happened a few months later. I was crashing with a friend, trying to figure out where I was going to live next. It was an odd time. Anyway, Julie got ahold of me and dropped by to watch a truly campy horror movie. We talked for a bit, I got the movie cued up, and we raided my friend’s liquor supply.
Once again, we found ourselves kissing. Things got quite hot and heavy and when I paused to take a breath, Julie was laying on the couch with her skirt hiked up around her hips, no panties, thighs parted and looking up at me.
I wanted her. Oh gods, how I wanted her. I was tempted to jump up and grab a condom. Instead, I backed off. The last time she and I had gotten this physical, she’d said quite clearly that she’d not wanted to have sex with me; she hadn’t said that she wanted me this time. I wasn’t going to assume.
We finished the movie, chatted a little afterward. She went home.
The next time I called her, she hung up on me. When I tried again, she said she didn't want to talk to me. That I should know why.
I was at a loss. I did not know why. Still don't know what she referring to.
There is little doubt in my mind that I handled things badly with her.
What bothers me still is that I can’t figure out what happened. I liked her as a person. The last thing I wanted to happen was for her to feel pressured into sex with me, but her actions subsequent to the second instance would seem to indicate that to be the case. I never did have sex with Julie. And yet, I’ve run across her now and then since that time and there has never been any unease or hesitance in her bearing. She’s even kissed me soundly after that day.
Which leaves me still pondering what the bloody fuck was going on?!
5 Comments:
Hmmmm, sounds like typical girl shit to me. If I may lend my opinion, I think the first time she didn't want to jump into sex with you. However, the subsequent time, when you did not pursue as before, she felt rejected. You didn't outright reject her, but many women read lack of pursuit as lack of interest and lack of interest as rejection. The concept doesn't really make sense and ultimately is a miscommunication of behavior. I'm just speculating here, but it sounds like she wanted things to gradually progress with you, but when you did nothing and gave her the control, she interpreted it as you didn't want her.
Just my thoughts...
I agree with Chris that it was probably something like he said. I hate stuff like this. I wish everyone just understood.
It could have been "tgs", but it would be the most extreme case I have ever encountered.
Though I didn't go into it in that post, her behavior would change depending on if we were alone or had other friends around. With friends around, she was politely aloof. Alone, she could be almost aggressively affectionate.
Add that to repeated statements to mutual friends that she had absolutely zero interest in me or that she was not a fan of kissing (Though she initiated more than a few.) and you have one very lost boy.
Ok, so here's the dumb question of the day...was she even given the option of saying yes or no or did you decide for her..because I know me and in that ummm position I'm more prone to say yes...and then yes I would be VERY pissed if you didn't help me out so to speak.
She was provided options.
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