That’s it! Everybody gets to die in lurid, horrific agony.
Is everyone in this benighted country illiterate?! Is reading only something to be endured until someone else is around? It’s bad enough that no one bothers to take the time or attention to heed the signs posted around the store, but some of these rocket-scientists pass the boundaries of comprehension like roll-down windows on the space-shuttle.
Why is it so damned difficult for people to read the labels on the merchandise? It should not be a recondite art to determine that a vibrator requires batteries to work. Yet, it is something I must reveal to the amazement of patrons time after time. Price tags should be an easily deciphered and recognizable item on the packaging and yet I must inform people on an almost daily basis that everything is priced as marked. In some cases, even so far as to take the items from the customer to point out the relevant sticker. I wish I could say that I’ve never had patrons who for no apparent reason beyond brain-damage required me to read off the price for them on several conveniently marked items, however that would be giving the populace too much credit.
It infuriates me that so many customers, when encountering the little bins of lube sample packs and single condoms, lack the skills to discern one from the other. Let’s forget for the moment that the items are well labeled. These are people who cannot recognize that a flat square-shaped package with a disc-shaped middle would be a condom. Some of the varieties we carry even allow you to see the brightly colored prophylactic within. Odin’s furry cod-piece, how do these cretins know which hole to put it in?! Someone’s got to have one hell of a sore belly-button.
I have had people staring into the ranks of lube for several minutes. I would assume they are reading labels. I would also be wrong. I have no idea what the bloody frothy fuck they are doing for these same people will subsequently inform me they want something random such as a bottle of toy cleaner. Is that really what they desire? No. Because the next question will be inquiring as to how thick it is or whether it’s condom-compatible. They could select something with the word “hot” in prominent text across the label and they will ask if it is warming. No, it means the active slick ingredient is weapons grade plutonium. It’ll never dry out, but your genitals and hair will slough off in two days followed by death. Acute radiation sickness is the new standard in sexy, don’t you know. They could look at an array of bottles proclaiming a variety of fruits or tastes and invariably they shall inquire if they’re flavored. No, they are custom designed for use with the food item described on the label. Would you care to try the bananas foster or cherries jubilee? Buy now and I’ll toss in a pack of burn-gel lubricated condoms.
I should require anyone entering the store to take and pass a literacy test. Refusal or failure rewards that individual a private tour around back where a friendly employee will rectify their deficiency with a handy twelve-gauge. After transferring a sizeable percentage of their assets to the store coffers, of course. From what I see, the ammunition and disposal costs are going to hefty for a bit.
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