I hope this works for you.

Now and again, a customer will indicate something in the store and ask me if it works. Depending on what it is they are looking at, it can either be a very easy question to answer or virtually impossible.

In the case of a movie, I can just pop that puppy into a player and check it out. It's pretty to check. It either plays correctly or it doesn't. In the case of a vibrator, load in some batteries and you will either have motion or you have a complex dildo, if you're lucky.

Personally, I like the binary solution questions. Clear-cut, easily defined answers go over better with customers. It bypasses the need for a graduated value judgment and lets me move forward in setting someone up with something they want.

However, people rarely seem to ask me if it works in relation to easily and quantifiable checking.

I have people asking me if a particular toy will please their partner and/or bring them to orgasm. That's a bit harder for me to answer. I know how the toy is designed to function. I know what we have that will help with its use. What I don't know are the people involved. The best vibrator in the universe is not going to score you any brownie points if the person you bought it for doesn't like vibration. Preferences and tolerances vary between people. If they like deep penetration and the toy picked up is designed for more superficial stimulation, it isn't going to be a match.

I have people ask me if a particular film will work for them. Dear bungee-jumping valkyries in a blender! I'm loathe to recommend movies for close personal friends, let alone a stranger. I have no idea what will "trip your trigger" even if I know what type of movies you like. It's like recommending a shade of blue. The sheer scope of variables inherent in such an opinion makes George Armstrong Custer look like a tactical genius. I can only tell you what I know about the production company, a very general sketch of what their tone is, and perhaps a bit about what talent works with them consistently.

I have people ask me if a specific prolong spray/gel will work. Or a perhaps a "sexual enhancement" pill. Or a women's sensitizing crème. Or brand of lubricant. Honestly, your guess is as good as mine. You see, a lot of these things come down to expectations. For example, a prolonging spray works by action of a topical anesthetic. Obviously if someone is allergic to lidocaine it is not going to work as desired, but if there are a lot of reasons why someone might not have a long fuse to climax and only some of those might be countered by the spray.

The pills are mostly herbal mixtures to increase blood-flow. If someone has an expectation it will swell their penis three more inches, make them hard enough to violate a cinderblock, and the stamina to keep it up for the next eight hours straight, they're not going to be all that impressed by the pills.

So honestly, I'm limited in what I can say. If I make a bad recommendation, my credibility and expertise takes a hit. Suddenly, what I tell them is colored by the perception I am just trying to manipulate their purchase. True, I am here to make a sale and make as much money for the store as I can, however, the best way to do that is to meet and exceed the customer's needs. A happy return customer is much more valuable than a one-off customer loaded down with a bunch of additional items they don't want and will resent being steered to. Which is the direction they will tend to if I'm not careful in what and how I recommend.

But customers by and large don't want to be responsible for their own purchases. They want me or someone like me to take all the risk for them. If the movie isn't as engaging as they had hoped, if the toy doesn't hit the spot, if the clit crème fails to spark mind-blowing orgasms, they want to be able to divorce themselves from it and say it was the store clerk's fault. Trust me folks, you don't want to be on the receiving end of that. A lot of them seem to take it quite personally, as if I had deliberately misled them or authored a malicious trap out of sadistic whim. Especially since they can't make returns or exchanges. Even if that outcome is evaded, your mental competence is questioned and if they don't think you can help them, they won't be coming back.

I understand why they ask though, even if I dread having to talk my way through it. No one wants to be left holding a dud. No one wants to throw down hard-earned cash for nothing.

I feel for ya, but I'm still not going to be able to tell you if it will work.