Faux "ah"? Au revoir!

Women faking orgasms.

It's so infamous it's damn near the next thing you learn about sex after "tab A" goes into "slot B".

Working in an adult store, it's inescapable.

My personal life is another story entirely.

I discovered a post from last September that caused me a bit of distress. For full text, you should take a peek here.

One of Midwest's examples;

1. He's pounding every which way in an effort to take you to Pluto and back. You're silently mourning the loss of lube, which dried up twenty minutes ago. If the chap continues much longer, your vagina will swell, start to resemble a halved grapefruit, and you'll have to tuck your labia folds into your underwear.

So...you fake it. He comes, feeling like the million dollar man, rolls over and starts counting sheep. You head to the toilet, fan your burning bush, and plead to the urine Gods that you won't have a bladder infection in the morning. You then crawl under the covers, pull out the chick lit you read when no one is conscious, and relax.

The emotional response upon putting myself in "His" place is commensurate with fending off meteorites with my scrotum. And as I kept reading through the rest of the scenarios and rationales thereof, I kept wincing.

I cannot think of any excuse for a woman (or man) to fake an orgasm in normal life. It's utterly dishonest. I don't care that they are doing it to be "nice" or "not hurt their feelings." They are looking their lover dead in the eye and lying. Nothing they can do will hurt more than that.

First of all, why did you not stop to apply more lube when one or the other of you noticed things were drying out? It doesn't take that much time to address. If you thought he was really close to orgasm and were holding on for just a moment more, only a few minutes from that point are required to know if you were right or not. If not, you stop and apply more lube. If things are chafed to the point of discomfort, YOU ARE DONE! It matters not one whit whether he's managed to pop off by then. It. Is. Over. For. The. Night. He had his chance. If he can't get off without thinking his partner has reached orgasm, he had damned well be able to meet that standard.

Personally, I'd much rather my lover remains in a relatively unscathed condition so I can have sex again sometime soon. One orgasm on my part is not going to be worth missing out on experiencing further sex because her labia are so abraded and swollen.

In my less than humble opinion, if a guy won't stop to add lube as required, he doesn't need to have access to her vagina (or arse). He's being lazy, selfish, and inconsiderate. And the woman is not addressing her own needs; to keep her body in the condition she wants to keep it. And for that matter, are UTIs so pleasant as to flirt with having another?! How many women would be alright giving a man a hand-job with a sheet of sandpaper? Even if he swore it was the best feeling he's ever known before slipping away to sob brokenly in a corner and swaddle his penis in sterile gauze. I'm not buying it. She's too wrapped up in not upsetting him. She's keeping her mouth shut out of some silly fear of ruining his fun.

Secondly, why the bloody hell does he deserve to feel like he's rocked your sexual world?! He has done jack-shit to earn just such an accolade. By faking it, you are rendering your own pleasure immaterial. Your participation has become secondary to everything else. Your own orgasm is no longer their concern nor priority, just as long as the illusion is present. Why in the name of Freya's rusty bed-springs would you want to reward that shoddy behavior in the bedroom?!

She went on to sketch further scenarios. In each case, there was something fundamentally hinky.

If you're not in the mood for sex, you're not in the mood for sex. This is not a high crime. There is nothing at all wrong with telling your lover you aren't really in the mood to fuck. If they actually have a problem with that, you need to be finding out why you're OK with being required to put out on demand. They're ostensibly adults; they should be able to take care of things all by themselves. He's not going to die for lack of ejaculation and if he whines about it, it's ultimately his choice to suffer. Under no circumstances is it alright for a lover to pester you for sex if you've told them no already. If you choose to be generous and offer a quickie, there is not one gawdammed reason for them to expect/require your orgasm and one huge reason why you shouldn't; if they think they got you off they'll feel vindicated in pushing for sex. The whole idea here is for them to get off. If they take you up on the offer of a quickie, they need to be straight to the point and orgasm with a minimum of fuss. (Should you happen to get into the mood and climax, that's a total bonus. And I mean totally unlooked for on both sides.)

If orgasm is for whatever reason not gonna happen. The spirit is ever so willing, but the flesh is not getting with the program? How about telling your partner just that? Is sex so shallow that unless both parties orgasm it's a total waste of time? If your relationship is so fragile you can't tell your partner you aren't getting off this time because your body is just not cooperating, it doesn't sound like a relationship long for this world.

When you feign orgasms it throws away any chance that your partner will improve. It's telling them in essence you have no faith in their ability as a lover. And from their perspective there is no need to learn their lover's body because obviously, they have discovered and mastered every last nuance. They can ride their lover's sexual responses like a virtuoso, so they can relax and concentrate on their own fun. They've done their part, now what are you going to do for them?

But if heavens forefend, he finds out that you've faked, it's a whole new vista of pain. First of all, your credibility is totally shot. He may be clinging pathologically to the belief that every orgasm of his lovers was genuine, but in the depths of his mind, a worm will be born, eating holes in that illusion. It may never surface, but it will be there. For me, if I discover a woman has faked an orgasm, I will believe every orgasm past, present, and future are works of fiction. Asking her what works best, her preferences, her perspective are all abruptly moot. I'd never want to have sex with her again. There are much more honest and more efficient methods of masturbation thank you.