Thursday, April 06, 2006

Why is this such a hard concept?

What is it about being in a porn store that makes people suddenly start behaving like an extra from a mid-eighties porn comedy? What is it that makes them think that just because things here are sexually oriented, that there are no rules of conduct? Here is a list of things that are just bad form and will result in being ejected from the store.

  • Clothing is not optional. - Sorry guys, you need to be wearing pants. Perusing the shelves with your "nub of joy" riding shotgun is not appropriate. I don't care how comfortable you are in my store, it is not your home.
  • Do not pick up a twelve pound two-handed rubber dildo and thwap your buddy upside the head with it. - If you really must bludgeon your compatriots with phallic toys, buy it and go somewhere else. I'm intending on selling that puppy and if you muck it up, you just bought it.
  • Do not speculate amongst yourselves on what kind of people might want to buy a twelve pound two-handed rubber dildo. - Show some respect or be shown the street.
  • Do not pick up a movie or toy and announce how wrong, sick, gross, and/or disgusting you find it. - It may not be your thing, but don't assume it isn't anyone else's. If you don't like it, find another section.
  • Do not pick up a movie and announce how funny, silly, stupid you find it. - do I really need to repeat myself?
  • Do not casually masturbate while browsing the store. - In fact, don't masturbate at all while shopping. It's inconsiderate and unhygenic. I don't want to have to follow you around with a can of Lysol.
I've been in this line of work a long time. These are not isolated incidents. In any given month some ever so suave and classy individual will attempt one, some, or all the above much to my consternation. The concepts here are not quantum mechanics folks. But if common sense is beyond your ken, just know that while I'm asking you politely to leave, in my mind's eye the medical examiner is astounded by the extent of blunt force trauma your broken body has sustained.

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