Two tidbits to titter over

*Ring ring*

Thank you for calling Lanius' Lunchroom for Lazy Librarians.

"Do you have any R-rated movies?"

You have got to be fucking kidding me. You want bloody R-rated movies. So you call an adult video store. Riiiiiiiiiiight. Good thinking sport, because it's so bloody hard to find movies with that rating. Too bad you can't just walk into some local supermarket or department store and pick up a few R-rated titles either. Sweet shivering Shiva on a shingle! If someone buys a movie here that even remotely approaches an R-rating, they're up at the counter demanding their money back because it's too tame! Why don't you call up a car dealership and ask them if they carry Big-Wheels.
Not even close. Too tame too stock.

"Oh."

*Click*

And the bastard actually sounded disappointed. Zombie Jesus wept!




A guy approaches my counter and asks guilelessly, "Do you have any movies with penetration?"

Are you sure you're not taking in carbon dioxide instead of releasing it? Oh pardon, I meant, what sort of flaming pervert are you? Everyone knows that human sexy bits are in no way shape or form capable of supporting any kind of penetration, let alone actually be designed for it.
Are you serious? If you can find any movie out there that doesn't have penetration in it, with the exception of solo male masturbation vids, and I'll sell it to you for half off.
Go away, Zippy. You make my brain hurt.

I don't know if it was the crushing realization he'd just asked a question on par with asking if there was any water in the ocean or the tone of my voice making it clear I find it likely a tub of sour cream enjoys more native cunning than him, but he very meekly found a movie and left.