For what it's worth

Looks like Chelsea Girl ran into a major relationship wall recently. It's the type of barrier strike that usually sends glass, shredded rubber, and assorted other bits of shrapnel scything into bystanders and EMT's rushing to pry the twisted metal away from the broken bodies within before they are consumed by the subsequent fire.

Of course, it doesn't particularly seem that dire of an occurrence for her. After all, she is still hopeful and discussing things in terms of an ongoing relationship. There are many who will proclaim that since neither of them have called it quits, that hope still shines down upon them in argent radiance. I would think more than a few choose to believe that something like that is anything more than yet another buffet on the way to lifelong bliss.

I wish I was as optimistic of those chances. Actually, I take that back, buying into the storybook "love conquers all" drek would mean subscribing to the idea that one person in a relationship can change the other. I would have to minimize the importance of communicating effectively. I would have to reject the complexity of interpersonal romantic relationships. In short, belief in the rose-tinged outcome of prevailing joy would be to demean my own romantic relationships both current and in the past.

All of which makes me sound scathing and contemptuous of her situation. Largely I am not, though I would be lying if I said I was completely free of that tone. There gets to be a certain point where an intelligent person after experiencing a few relationships should have gained some understanding of universal patterns. After that point, it should burn a bit like salt on the fresh wound. It's incentive to make sure the lesson has taken root.

In this case, a relationship has been in existence for over three years. Both parties are beyond fond of each other. They enjoy a deep friendship. Their sex life together has been, by all accounts, wonderful. There is a sense of a profound investment in a relationship. It would be incredibly easy to interpret it as being a solid foundation for a life spent together, of an investment toward the future.

That is where the fatal flaw lies amidst all the romance, happiness, and security. Nowhere is it a given that the relationship is headed towards something else. There is nothing to say it is not already at the extent of what is achievable in that relationship. Every relationship is different, as long as everyone involved is in agreement that their needs are being met, it's healthy.

Unfortunately, there are times when one person desires something outside of what the other does. It could be something as simple as wanting a block of completely personal time. It could be something more complex like being able to date someone else. Or it could be an expectation of marriage and/or children. All it takes is one person craving something additional while the other feels completely satisfied with things as they are to create a terminal disharmony.

The first instinct, especially when heavily invested emotionally in a relationship, is to attempt to adapt if one likes the status quo or rationalize the issue if one is "still hungry." Depending on the degree of change and personal needs, sometimes things can be resolved favorably for both sides. Many times, it will defy resolution.

Returning to this case, a distressing pattern can be observed. Chelsea has a relationship agenda. She has a need for a relationship culminating in matrimony. This is neither good nor bad of itself, depending on the other person in her relationship. However, it means that she has an eye open to that eventuality when she gets involved with a man and once things progress to being "a serious relationship," her subsequent plans culminate at the altar. On the other hand, her boyfriend does not appear to have the same imperative, seeming to prefer an established couplehood without formal commitment. Thus, she has viewed his behavior as being "reluctant" or "gun-shy" and sought to coax him along to what she knows would be a new plateau of shared bliss. This is a problem.

So what manifests has been a repeated tendency for Donny to let her do her thing, keeping her happy and content, until he feels so backed into a corner by her that he snaps and has to prove to her that he's his own man, up to and including tactical break-ups. Quite obviously, this is a major communication failure. Either he is not effectively expressing his own needs, wants, and opinions to his partner or she's minimizing what he says in favor of her own desired ends until he reaches the point of exploding. If you're expecting your lover to have a melt-down because of how you've been steering the relationship, that should be a huge fucking neon sign that there's an immense bloody problem! And yet, they press onward as if this is something that can be ignored or endured into a lasting solution.

If you have to drag the other person along, they're grudging participants at best. If all the impetus is coming from one side, it is not a united decision. Assuming they are sold on the idea, regardless of a lack of objections or contention, is self-involved and possibly arrogant. If a guy wants to get married, it won't take coercion to get him to propose.

Distilling it down to the living core, you cannot force a relationship to fit a preferred mold. If you are manipulating the other party in your relationship, the other person has been relegated to the role of puppet or pawn. People that aren't going to take such treatment with ill-favor are exceedingly rare. As soon as you feel you HAVE to manipulate someone in your relationship for whatever reason, you've failed.

Whether the official end happens now or some months in the future, the death-blow was struck that night. They’re looking for two disparate relationships and all love can do at this point is make the irreconcilable more agonizing.